


Whispering

by amutemockingjay



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Gen, I should really stop but I'm not going to, I'm literal theatre trash, Slow Build, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-27 00:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 35,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7596112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amutemockingjay/pseuds/amutemockingjay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I got drunk." Louise crossed her arms over her chest. "I do stupid things when I drink, like sleep with you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Opening Up

**Author's Note:**

> I swore I would stop writing new fic and focus on my WIP, but then I listened to the Waitress soundtrack, and being the theatre trash that I am, started writing a new Louigan fic. Blame the muse, and let me know what you think in the comments.

“History//little miss didn’t do right//went and ruined all the true plans// such a shame// such a sin”—Whispering, Spring Awakening

* * *

 

Louise was not a morning person. She never had been, never would be. But this morning was different. She woke up at five am, even before the alarm went off. Probably for the best; her mother was a light sleeper, and she was the last person Louise wanted to see at this particular moment.

Linda would ask too many questions that Louise didn’t have sufficient lies for. Yet. Grabbing her ears from the hook by her closet, she dressed quickly, and darted down the stairs. The drugstore opened at six; she could be in and out before anyone knew she was gone. She sighed as she walked down the street. She was good at lies, she was good at schemes, she was the ultimate planner. But there was no plan for this.

She pushed opened the door to the drugstore.

“Louise Belcher!” The owner of the drugstore—Louise could never remember his name—waved at her. There had been a time where he hadn’t been so friendly. Back when she was in high school, and she made it her hobby to antagonize as much as possible. But now, at nineteen, she liked to think she’d moved past that bullshit.

Still, she cringed at the sound of his voice. There was no way she could buy what she was looking for. The entire town would know before she even had breakfast.

“What can I help you with today?” The owner gave her an expectant look.

In an instant, Louise turned around. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” She turned around.

“Hey!” The owner tossed a candy bar in her direction; she caught it with one hand. “Give your dad the best.”

“Can do. And thanks.” It was never too early for chocolate.

 She took a breath. This was getting too complicated. As if it weren’t before. Now she would have to sneak out with the car. Good thing she had become an expert at sneaking back in high school. Not for parties, like the rest of her classmates. No, even in high school she had been a lone wolf of sorts, sneaking out to do crazy things, like driving out into the country and counting the stars and constellations. Or exploring the abandoned asylum about an hour north, at midnight.

Her mom always kept the keys in the same bowl by the door. She slipped into the old clunker of a car and prayed that it would start. The engine turned over one, twice, three times before roaring to live. She gripped the steering wheel, and headed south, to the next town over. Somewhere she wouldn’t be known.

It took an hour. She drove past one town, then another, paranoia driving her insane. She couldn’t be seen, couldn’t be known. She drove aimlessly. Usually driving made her feel better, helped her clear her mind. But this morning her mind was too cloudy, too driven by fear. Fear that she barely admitted to herself. She was Louise Belcher, she feared nothing.

She parked, and entered the store. Of course what she was looking for was kept under lock and key. Of course she had to ask for it, humiliation running through her veins.

“Hey, is there a bathroom I could use?”

“Sorry, employees only.” The zitty cashier that looked like he was still in middle school clearly gave zero fucks. He looked down at her bag. “You should take that at home.”

Louise leaned over the counter, her hand reaching out to grab the cashier by his shirt. “If I could take this at home, do you think I would have driven an hour out of my way at six o’clock in the fucking morning you idiot?! Let me use the goddamn bathroom.”

The cashier threw up his hands. “In the back.”

“Thank you.” She released him and headed into the back.

Ten minutes. That’s how long she had to wait. Ten minutes of agony. Louise was not a patient person. She kept glancing at her watch, convinced the ten minutes were up, that the hell would be over and she would be fine, only to find that thirty seconds had passed. She hated him. She had always hated him, but now she hated him even more for putting her in this position. If she hadn’t gotten drunk that night, if she hadn’t….

The alarm on her phone buzzed, and adrenaline rushed to her head. This was it. She didn’t want to look. She wanted to toss the whole thing in the garbage and pretend it had never happened. But she couldn’t, and she knew she couldn’t. She held her breath, and stole a glance. Instantly, her heart sunk.

“Son of a bitch!”

* * *

 

There was no one she could trust to tell.

Louise drove back to the restaurant, glancing at the clock the whole time. 7.30 am. Her dad would be up by now, getting breakfast together. Their family of five had shrunk to a family of three, as Tina had moved to Boston to pursue a career as a writer of paranormal romance novels, and Gene was on the west coast, determined to break into the music industry. Louise didn’t have a friend that she would trust with a secret this big. She wanted to tell Tina, wanted to get her sister’s advice, hell, even her comfort. But Tina could never lie to their parents the way Louise could. And she couldn’t even imagine telling Mom and Dad. Not yet, at least.

Louise parked, and snuck back upstairs and into bed. She wished she could spend the rest of her life in bed, but they had a restaurant to run, one that she would take over some day.

“Good morning!” Linda burst into her room, barely thirty seconds before Louise had begun to close her eyes, and feign sleep.

“Ugh, Mom, just let me sleep.” Louise put the pillow over her head and hoped that her voice didn’t quake as she spoke.

“Not a chance!” Linda sang, throwing her hands up in the air. “We’ve got such a day to prepare for.” As usual, Linda was singing, slightly off-key. It usually drove Louise a little bit crazy, but this morning it made her want to cry.

She sat up, making sure to wipe her face of any emotions before Linda could see. The last thing she wanted was any questions.

“Thanks, Mom, you can go now.”

“Not without a hug and a kiss.” Linda held out her arms.

Louise pushed back the covers. Instantly, Linda’s eyes widened and Louise panicked. Could she tell already? Did she have Mom laser eyes that could tell exactly what happened?

“Louise, did you sleep in your clothes all night?” Linda gave her daughter a concerned look, and Louise let out the breath she had been holding.

“Yeah, I guess I forgot, haha, how silly of me.” She knew she was babbling, that she sounded like Tina when her sister was lying, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. “I’ll just, uh, change and meet you for breakfast.”

“Bobby made pancakes, blueberry ones, your favorite.”

Louise’s stomach contracted, and she felt nausea rising. Did that happen this early, or was she just anxious?  “Sounds great,” she said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster.

“Louise, honey, are you all right?”

“Yeah,” she said automatically. “I’m fine. Just fine.”

“You just…you look pale.”

“No,” Louise snapped, eyes flashing.  “There’s nothing wrong, you can back off.” She spoke harsher than she intended to.

Injury crossed Linda’s features, and Louise would have felt bad, but told herself she didn’t care. She had bigger fish to fry, all clichés considered.

“I’ll be right there,” she said, in lieu of an apology. “Let me just get changed.”

“All right, honey.” Linda thankfully retreated, and Louise flopped back down on the bed, burying her face in her pillow. If she wished hard enough, maybe this whole situation would go away.

She kept silent during breakfast, speaking in monosyllables whenever a question was lobbed her way. She knew she needed to act like there was nothing wrong, that her entire life hadn’t imploded, but she didn’t have the energy.

As soon as dishes were done, she slipped downstairs.

“Louise, where do you think you’re going?” Bob tied an apron around his rotund girth.

“I have to take care of something,” she said quickly. “I’ll be back before the lunch rush, I promise.”

“But Louise—“

“I swear, Dad, you don’t want to know.”

“You’re probably right. Take the car if you need to.”

“Thanks, Dad!” She zipped down the stairs, taking them two at a time. She knew exactly where she needed to be, even if she looked forward to it the way one would look forward to a wisdom teeth removal.

* * *

 

“Hey there, Four Ears.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Logan.”

He flashed her a smile that she was sure he thought was charming, but really just made her want to smack him across the face. Some impulses never die.

He propped his feet on his desk, chewing on a toothpick in the corner of his mouth. “What can I do for ya?”

“We should talk. As much as I’d rather punch your face.”

“Talk about what, Four Ears?”

Her ears trembled in indignation. “Can you leave the ears alone, goddamn it?”

He grinned even more. “Never.”

“Ugh. You’re so goddamn annoying.”

“You know you love me.”

“If by love you mean hate, then yes. I hate you will every fiber of my being.” She wished she weren’t bright red, but she could feel herself warm all over.

She eyed the open office setting, where people worked in cubicles. Logan did some fancy business shit she had never paid attention to. It had never seemed relevant until this moment, when she realized how many ears could potentially hear what she had to say. Her face fell; as much as she wanted to control her emotions around Logan, she never seemed able to. Another reason to hate his guts.

She shifted her weight from foot to foot. “I’m being serious, Logan. We need to talk.”

“All right, Bunnygirl, don’t have a freak out on me. We’ll go outside.”

He got up and she followed him out, to a small courtyard next to the office building, one of the few in her town. Why he had come back here, after having such a promising future doing whatever he wanted, was utterly beyond Louise.

There was a small stone bench next to a fountain. He took a seat, and indicated a place next to him. She shook her head. She couldn’t sit down for this conversation.

“Logan…”

“Yeah?” He chewed on the toothpick some more. Louise imagined stabbing him with it.

“Remember six weeks ago?”

“There was enough alcohol for me not to remember, but yeah, I got vague memories. Why?”

She took a deep breath. She didn’t want to go into this. She never wanted to go into any of this. One stupid mistake, and she was stuck for life. “Well…”

She began to pace. Slow at first, but increasingly manic, enough to make him dizzy. He placed a hand on her arm to stop her, and she shrugged it off. “Touch me again, and you’ll regret it.”

“Jesus, Louise, what the hell is wrong?”

She stopped. She knew she had to look him in the eye, but she couldn’t bring herself to.

“Logan…”

“What?” He pulled the toothpick out of his mouth and dropped it on the ground, elbows on his knees, chin propped up by fists. “What the hell is going on, Four Ears?”

She licked her lips, willing the words to come, wondering why this is so goddamn hard. They were just words. She could speak.

“Logan, I’m pregnant.”


	2. On the Fire Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! So updates from me may be a bit sporadic as this is one of four WIPs I have, and right now my muse is pretty stuck on Hamilton. But thank you so much for all the kudos and support!

Logan looked as if a semi-truck had run over his pet puppy. He blinked, and Louise wished his eyes weren’t so blue.

“What?”

“I’m not saying it again, Logan.”

“No, no, I heard you, just…” He ran one hand through his messy blonde hair. “Just can’t believe it. Are you sure?”

She shot him a deadly look. “No, Logan, I’m not sure. That’s why I drove all the way over here. Because I was not absolutely fucking certain that this was an issue, you freaking idiot!”

“Jesus, Louise, could you, like, tone it down a notch?”

“No,” she snapped. She wanted to cry. But there was no way in hell she could cry in front of Logan. She started pacing again.

“You’re making me dizzy, pacing like that.”

“Great. Lovely. Let me tell you how much I don’t care.”

“Louise, I don’t know what to say.”

“Then shut up,” she said between gritted teeth.

“We should tell somebody.”

“What are you, fourteen? Goddamn it, Logan, we’re both technically adults. Who could we possibly tell?”

“Cynthia.”

“Are you insane?! Your mother? Really?”

“Well, I mean, she would find out eventually. It’s not like you could hide your condition forever and—“

Louise stopped pacing briefly. “First off, Logan. It’s not the nineteenth century, so let’s leave the vocabulary back in the history book where it belongs. Second, let’s leave our parents out of this. For now.”

He brushed his stupid-too long bangs out of his eyes for the fourth time and Louise sighed with irritation.

“Can you just trim them?”

“What?” He looked at her in confusion.

“Your bangs. They’re always in your face.”

He gave her an arrogant grin. “Didn’t realize you paid attention.”

She looked down at her shoes. “It’s just annoying, that’s all.”

“They have nothing to do with how you noticed me before?”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Louise, we wouldn’t be in this situation if we hadn’t—“

She held up a hand. “Don’t say it.”

The expression in his eyes was unreadable. “Do you regret it?”

It was a loaded question. She wasn’t Tina, who had imagined and reimagined every possible moment with Jimmy Jr. until they were worn down to the bone. She didn’t romanticize things like that. She always said she didn’t care. But did she, really? When the night was over and the alcohol had worn off and she had walked home, barefoot and with her underwear in her pocket? She couldn’t think of that. She couldn’t think of how good it had felt, to have him kiss her, better than any other kiss she’d had.

“I was drunk,” she spat. “I do stupid things when I drink, like sleep with you.”

If there was any hurt in her words, he didn’t show it. In fact, he just looked pissed off. “Yeah, well, I didn’t—I wasn’t—never mind.”

“Very eloquent,” she observed.

“Fuck off,” he muttered.

“Fine,” she snapped back, glad to be angry again. “Look, I just came here to tell you. I don’t expect you to do anything about it. I shouldn’t have dropped by. I’m going to go now.”  She turned around and walked away, half expecting him to follow her. He didn’t.

She wished he had, though.

* * *

 

She couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning in her little bed, she placed one hand on her stomach apprehensively, a reminder that she was no longer alone in her own body. She looked down with a mixture of disgust and fear. It felt less like a baby and more like a parasite. Louise glanced at her alarm. One am. She sat up. Wasn’t tea supposed to help you sleep? Not caffeinated tea; she wasn’t a complete idiot, but that herbal bullshit. Maybe her mother had some in a kitchen cabinet somewhere.

She padded out of her room and down to the kitchen, using the light from her phone rather than turn on the overhead lighting. There was a lot she couldn’t explain to either of her parents at the moment.

She started the kettle, filling it with water—tea took boiling water, right? She was more of a coffee person, anyway. Standing on the tips of her toes, she scoured the shelves for boxes of teabags, having little luck until she managed to find a half-squished box of something called Mint Majesty. Mint was supposed to soothe, she thought. She put the teabag into a chipped mug and settled at the kitchen table, waiting for the water to boil.

That’s when she heard the first tap. Then another. And another. Taptaptaptap against the far window, the one that opened to the fire escape behind the restaurant. Louise opened the sash. Who the hell threw shit at the window at one in the morning? She leaned out the window, ready to cuss out whoever was responsible. Then she saw the blonde hair.

“Logan?” Her words were a hiss in the dim lighting of the alley.

“Louise!”

“What are you doing?”

He held up a handful of pebbles. “It always worked in the movies.”

Louise rolled her eyes. “Yeah, for girls that actually want rocks thrown at their windows. The last time I checked, I was not one of them.”

“Can I come up?”

The kettle hissed and boiled; Louise retreated to steep the tea, and then came back. Letting him upstairs at this hour was not an option; he’d wake the whole house. And then she’d have some awkward questions to answer. At the same time—she looked down. All she was wearing was a big sleeping shirt that barely skimmed the end of her underwear. She couldn’t meet him outside like this.

“Give me a second,” she said, rushing back to her room to slip on a pair of green shorts. She returned and leaned back out the window.

“Meet me on the fire escape.”

He groaned. “Seriously?”

“I’m not letting you in at this hour, and I’m not going down there. So this is your compromise: take it or leave it.”

“Ugh, Louise.” He scrambled to get purchase on the dumpster, before reaching the ladder to the fire escape.

“Whatever you have to tell me better be worth it.” She stepped out onto the fire escape with little difficulty. She was always small and able to squeeze into awkward places.  She let her bare legs dangle in the crisp night air.

With a few muttered curses and scraped hands and knees, Logan settled next to her, looking out onto the less than scenic alley.  Beneath them, the family of raccoons scrambled for burger leftovers. He startled, and she laughed.

“Was that a rat? Please don’t tell me that was a rat.” His blue eyes were wide with fear.

Louise tossed back her head and laughed. “You’re seriously afraid of rats?”

He crossed his arms over his chest and attempted a more dignified look. “No…I just don’t like them.”

“Sure. Very convincing.”

“Well, what are you afraid of?” He shot back.

She shook her head. She never spoke of what she was truly afraid of—nobody knew, and that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. “You didn’t climb up on my fire escape at one in the morning to ask me what I’m afraid of.”

He shook his head. “Not really.”

“Then why are you here?” She became aware of his gaze, and suddenly felt naked in her shorts and shirt, and all too aware that she wasn’t wearing a bra.

“To say I was sorry.”

She placed one hand over heart. “You, sorry? Who ever heard of such a thing?”

“I’m being serious, Louise.”

“So am I. You’re my archenemy, Logan, and nothing will ever change that.”

“Nothing but a few shots of Cuervo, apparently,” he muttered, and she was grateful for the dark that hid her blush.

“I’m not above slapping you, Logan. My hands would be delighted to do so.”

He took both of her hands in his, and she yanked them away. “Look. This is not going how I want to. Jesus.” He ran his hands through his messy hair.

“Yes, I can see how you would plan ahead for a conversation on a fire escape in the middle of the night. That makes total sense.”

“Louise, can you just listen to me for five minutes?” There was a harshness in his tone that had her fueled. She sat up straighter. Maybe demanding would have worked on Tina, but it just made her want to insult him further. A breeze swept through the alley and she shivered.

“Why should I?”

He pressed his fingertips to the bridge of his nose. “Louise, if we can’t have an adult conversation about this, then we should have never slept together. Clearly you’re not mature enough to deal with this.”

That was when her hand made contact with his face. She wished it had felt as good as she imagined. But his words still stung, more than she would like to admit.

“Fuck!” He recoiled.

“You son of a bitch,” she hissed, her voice low and dangerous. “Get off my fire escape.”

Logan was rubbing his jaw. “Okay, I deserved that. Sort of. Again, not my intention to piss you off. I come in peace.”

“I swear to God, Logan, if you don’t get down in the next thirty seconds I will personally make sure your ass is eating pavement.”

He held up his hands in surrender. “I’ll leave after I say this, promise. Just hear me out.”

“Give me one good reason why.”

“Because I want to be a decent human being in this situation.”

“A bit late for that.”

He sighed. “Louise, I came all the way here at one in the morning to tell you what I should have when you came to me earlier. I just want to say that I want to be here for you. No more enemy stuff. I support whatever decision you want to make about this baby.”

She winced at the word ‘baby’, and he continued, “I just want to be involved. Don’t shut me out, okay, Four Ears?”

His voice was gentle, and she felt some place inside of her soften at his words. She shook her head. This was dangerous. Too dangerous. Keeping him at arm’s length, in archenemy territory was so much easier for her to compute. To understand. To process.

“Get off my fire escape,” she managed to say, her throat dry. Tears were threatening. She swallowed, hard. She didn’t want to cry in front of him. The only person who ever saw her cry was her dad.

This time, thankfully, he listened to her, climbing down, and landing on top of the dumpster with a thump. Right before he jumped down, he turned back to her. “I mean it, Bunnygirl,” he said. “Anything. I’m there, okay?”

She climbed back inside, her tea waiting for her, and wished with all her heart that she had never met Logan Barry Bush.


	3. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were always choices, but could she make sense of any of them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was intending to give this a break and work on plays/Hamilton stuff but then the muse wouldn't shut up about this, so...here you go. Also I totally just made up Elena (originally going to be named Celeste) but I figured Louise needed some support along the way.

She knew she should have called Logan. Told him. Maybe asked for a ride. She knew she shouldn’t be doing this alone. But somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to pick up the phone, to find the words. So instead, when she tossed aside her apron and told her Dad, “I’ll be back,” she walked to the clinic alone.

“Louise, where are you going?” Bob looked at his youngest daughter quizzically. Louise had always done her own thing, and certainly had gotten into a lot of scrapes in her childhood, but lately there had been something different about her, something he couldn’t put his foot on.

“Just out,” she said with a shrug of her shoulders. “I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

“But Louise—“

She returned to the counter. “Just trust me, Dad. I promise, you don’t want to know.”

He sighed. “Be back in time for the dinner rush.”

“Always.”  The door closing behind her punctuated her words.

She knew she had to go to a doctor. Get checked out. But she didn’t dare go to her primary care doctor; even though she was beyond the age where her parents would have to know. But their insurance would charge, her parents would get the bill, and the entire thing would unravel. So, instead, she took her meager savings and proceeded to the local Planned Parenthood.

She tugged on her ears as she crossed the parking lot that lead to the clinic. Outside, there were men and women holding up signs, screaming slogans. She threw her shoulders back and stood tall. She could do this.

“Whore!” “Baby-killer!” One of the women, heavyset and middle-aged, glared at Louise. Her friend held up a poster board of pictures of developing fetuses. Louise shook her head.

“Fuck off,” she snapped, but there was something about the venom in their words, in the hatred they held, that started to crawl under her skin and settle in for a stay.

Was she a whore? She wasn’t the sanctimonious, wait for marriage type of girl. She wasn’t even sure if she wanted to get married.

“We can save you.” A girl closer to her age was handing out flyers with Bible verses on them.

Louise laughed in her face. “You’ve got to be freaking kidding me.”

“No, really. Jesus loves you and wants you to repent for your sins.”

Louise circled the girl the way a hawk circles its prey. “My sins? What about yours, Little Miss Perfect? What dirty secrets do you keep hidden from your daddy and your pastor and everyone else? Huh?”

“Nothing,” the girl answered. She held out one hand, where a sparkly diamond ring caught the light. “My ring keeps me pure.”

“A piece of ridiculous jewelry keeps you pure. Sure, whatever, like that’s not completely insane at all. Not in the slightest.” Name-calling was one thing. Louise could handle that. But this overzealous kindness was enough to drive her crazy. She backed away slowly. “Look, this has been a fantastic little chat, but I really have to run now.”

“Wait!” The girl held a flyer aloft. “What’s your name?”

“None of your goddamn business,” Louise snapped, grateful for a reason to be pissed off again.

“Well, I hope you make the right choice.” The girl gave her a smile and blinked her wide, angel-blue eyes. “God bless you.”

Louise stamped into the clinic. “Not likely.”

* * *

 

The exam room was cold. She was oddly grateful for that, even as she shivered from the AC. Honestly, the room looked a lot like any doctor’s office she had been in over the years. Same bland walls, same Impressionist prints that just looked like blurs of colors to her. Louise swung her legs, hoping to kick a dent in the exam table she sat on.

The door opened, and a pretty Latina woman, her hair swept up in an elegant chignon, entered carrying a clipboard.

“Hi, I’m Elena,” she said. “And you are?”

“Louise,” Louise said shortly.

Elena held out one hand to shake. Louise noticed that she had perfect French tips. “Pleasure to meet you.” She pulled up a stool next to Louise. “May I ask what brings you to Planned Parenthood today?”

“Well,” Louise leaned forward, her hands on her knees. The words were difficult to choke out. “I seem to be pregnant.” She had been expecting, to a certain degree, to find the words hard to say. She was not expecting to burst into tears after saying them. Especially in front of a virtual stranger.

Elena reached for a box of tissues on the counter and handed them to Louise. She took them with gratitude, wiping at the tracks that went down her face. “Take a deep breath, and we’ll talk about this, calmly and rationally.”

Louise nodded and sniffled. Calmly and rationally. She could do that. She thought. She blew her nose.

“How old are you, Louise?” Elena pulled a pen from the pocket of her coat and began scribbling on the clipboard.

“Nineteen,” she answered.

“Are you in school?”

She shook her head. “I was taking a year off.”

“Okay. Do you work?”

She nodded. “At my dad’s restaurant.”

“Good, good.” Elena looked up from her clipboard. “I’m going to be asking you some pretty personal questions. If you ever feel uncomfortable, please let me know. I’m just trying to get an idea of what happened, and we can talk about your options from there. Does that sound agreeable?”

“Yeah, I guess.” She really didn’t want to talk about it at all, but this was not a problem she could just wish away.

“How long have you been sexually active?”

Damn. Elena didn’t hold back. Louise wished she weren’t blushing as fiercely as she was. “It was—well, it was my first time.”

“Okay. Did you practice safe sex?”

“We used a condom. I guess it just didn’t work.”

Elena nodded in understanding. “Most condom companies will say their products have a 97% success rate. However, we find that depending on usage, that rate drops down to as low as 88%.”

Louise’s eyes widened. 88%? No wonder she had ended up in this situation. She thought of the girl in the front of the clinic, with her sparkly purity ring. She knew, on an intellectual level, that abstinence did little to prevent sex. But the thought still lingered.

“Did you give your full consent?”

“Huh?” Louise blinked in confusion, and then comprehension dawned. “Oh. No, no it wasn’t like that, he didn’t rape me or anything. I—I—we wanted it.” She hadn’t let herself think about the wanting, about how his touch had brought her to new places.

“Good.” Elena chewed the end of the pen, in deep thought. “Just making sure. Because we have some resources, if you were in that situation.”

Louise nodded. “Good to know.”

“Have you given some thought about what you would like to do? I won’t pressure you into any particular solution, but we can definitely talk about your options.”

“I don’t know.” Louise shrugged her shoulders.

“Is there someone you can talk to about this? Like your parents?”

Louise shook her head. “I can’t tell them. At least, not yet.”

“Are you safe at home?”

Louise nodded. “Completely. I just…I can’t bring myself to say it. The father knows.”

“Your boyfriend?”

Louise sat straight up. “Logan is not my boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“Damn straight. I would never go out with his stupid face. He’s stupid. With a face. And also my archenemy.”

“Okay.” Elena stood up. “Well, you have a couple of different options available to you. Keeping the baby is, of course, always an option. We can help you get the best pre-natal care possible. Adoption is another route that you can take. We can connect you to possible adoption agencies. Or, there is always termination. We perform those here, as well as other women’s health services. Have you discussed any of these options with the father?”

Louise’s head was spinning. “No,” she said quietly. “I haven’t.”

Elena shuffled through some pages on the counter. “Well, I have some pamphlets on our services here, as well as helpful resources on all of your options. Let me get those for you.” She handed Louise a pile of papers.

“Thank you,” she said, putting the papers in her backpack.

“You’re welcome.” Elena reached over and gave Louise’s hand a squeeze. She had to suppress the latent urge to slap her. “Louise, I just want you to know that no matter which path you choose to take, we will support you in that decision. But I would recommend giving these a read, and talking with the father about what would be best for you and the baby. I also want you to know that you shouldn’t be ashamed about this, or about what you choose. It’s all about the choice that’s right for you.”

Louise was overcome. “Thanks,” she said quietly, the tears threatening again.

“Any time. How about we set up an appointment for next week? If you chose to keep the baby or adopt, we can take care of the necessary medical checks, and get you started on prenatal vitamins. If you chose to terminate, we can discuss that at further length. Does that sound all right to you?”

Louise nodded. If she didn’t get out of here in the next thirty seconds, she was going to start crying again. She hopped down from the exam table. “Anything else?”

Elena put down her clipboard on the counter. “May I give you a hug?”

Louise took it into consideration. She wasn’t the touchy-feely type, but she was longing to be less alone in this. “Okay. I guess. But if it’s longer than thirty seconds I may not be able to keep my urges to slap at bay.”

“Fair enough.” Elena hugged Louise. “It’ll be all right, Louise. I promise.”

Louise couldn’t help but think that was a promise she couldn’t keep.

* * *

 

Her mind buzzed as she walked past the protestors, and headed for home. The girl with the purity rings was gone. She felt numb inside, as she shut out the insults hurled in her direction. Her backpack felt weighed down, as if there were rocks in it instead of paper. Talking to Logan. Talking to Logan about their options. This all felt like too much, beyond her capacity to understand. She had no idea what she wanted, what was the right path to choose.

Instinctively, her hand went down to her stomach. She had always believed that everyone had the right to make whatever choice they wanted; she never cared. But could she really go through it herself? She never thought she’d have kids. That was for Tina; always for Tina and for whatever man had caught her eye. Honestly, she had never expected to have any romance, period.

She had casually dated Regular-Sized Rudy throughout high school; they were each other’s prom dates, were boyfriend and girlfriend to get everyone else off their backs. But did she ever love him? No, not really. Hell, she wasn’t even sure if she like-liked him. They were great friends, nothing more.

Things had been entirely different with Logan. She had hated him from the moment when he had stolen her bunny ears in the fourth grade. Not long after the disastrous stint of interning at the restaurant, she had fallen away from him. She had grown up; he had gone to college, and started his real life. In fact, until six weeks ago, she had thought she would never see him again. The last place she expected to find him was at the bar she’d been sneaking into since she was sixteen.  He had bought her a drink. And that was when she had bet that she could drink him under the table. She had matched him, shot for shot. And when they had hit her, he had gotten blurred around the edges. He had offered to walk her home, to make sure she got there safe.

She could barely admit it to herself, but she was the one who leaned in for the first kiss. She wasn’t expecting to feel so good, to awaken such desire in her. She told herself, after she stumbled out of his bed, that it was nothing more than lust. Lust and drunkenness. She hated him. She would always hate him.

She rounded the corner that lead to the restaurant. Tears were still threatening, and she took a breath. She had to walk in there and pretend there was nothing wrong. The restaurant was mainly empty; only one person sat at the counter, hoodie pulled up over his head.

“I’ll be right in,” she said to her dad, who was at the grill, as per usual. “Just going to put my stuff upstairs.”

“Okay,” he said absently and she ran up to her room, putting her backpack in the corner. She took the stairs back down two at a time.

“Louise, can you bus tables?” Bob flipped a burger on the grill. Louise jerked her thumb towards the stranger at the counter.

“What’s his deal?”

Bob shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. He hasn’t ordered anything yet.”

“Hey.” Louise approached the stranger, who had a guitar case at his feet. “Can I get you anything? Burger of the day? Anything?”

He turned towards her, and she gasped. Blonde hair hiding his forehead; that face, that face she knew so well, had dreamed of…

“Boo-Boo?”


	4. The Road Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reunion of sorts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter brought to you by procrastination (on my original work) and Miss Saigon (because can't stop never stop theatre-ing).

Tina would have lost her shit completely. A member of Boyz 4 Now, sitting at their counter, thinking about the burger of the day. If Louise was being honest with herself, she was losing her shit a little. His face, his beautiful terrible face, those light eyes staring into her dark ones—she thought she was better than this, but she wasn’t. Not really.

“Swampy pits,” she muttered to herself, remembering Tina’s little life lesson years after the fact. She liked Boo-Boo when she was a kid. That was nothing to be ashamed of. Liking him now, though—that was an entirely different issue.

“What?” Boo-Boo looked up at her, and Louise gripped the counter, trying to bring herself back to reality.

“Nothing. Nothing. So, burger of the day?”

“Yeah, burger of the day would be great.”

“Dad! One burger of the day!”

“Got it.” Bob poked his head out from the kitchen. “Hey, isn’t that—“

“Nobody.” Louise laughed a little. “Nobody at all.” She knew she should be bussing tables, but the tables could bus themselves for a little while.

“It’s been a while,” Boo-Boo said.

“Hmm?” God, he was beautiful, even after all these years. Her hands itched to slap him, just slap his perfect face until there were red marks on his blemish-free skin.

“Been a while since someone recognized me.”

Louise leaned on the counter, chin in her hands. He made her feel giddy, lighter than air. “But you’re…you’re…”

He shrugged his shoulders. “That was ten years ago. People have short memories.”

“I still remember,” she said quietly.

He rewarded her with a smile. “I still remember you, too. Bunny ears.”

With a pang, she thought of Logan, and chased the thought of her mind. Boo-Boo and Logan did not coexist well in her thoughts.

“Yeah,” she said softly.

“I still owe you one.”

“What?”

The burger arrived; Louise placed it in front of Boo-Boo. The smell of cooking meat and grilled onions made her stomach turn.

“I owe you one, for the last time we saw each other. You saved me from getting puked on by a horde of angry girls. A guy doesn’t forget that so easily.”

“Please don’t talk about barf right now.” Her stomach punched her, deep down, and she knew what was coming.

“Is something wrong?” He chewed his burger, and Louise clapped a hand over her mouth.

“Nothing,” she said. “Everything’s absolutely fine. Just damn peachy. I’ll just—I’ll be right back.”

She rushed for the bathroom, for that stupid toilet that Felix had put in, and gave up her meager breakfast. When her stomach was done turning itself inside out, she stood up, rinsing her mouth out with water. She glanced up at her reflection, at the blurry outline of girl and bunny ears. She felt a sense of separation from her own body, as if she couldn’t possibly be related to this…thing growing inside of her. Her choices swirled around in her mind. Could she really do this?

She splashed her face with cold water. She knew she had to go back out there and pretend there was nothing wrong. It wore on her. She was an accomplished liar, a manipulator—she could hide things from her parents, no problem. But she didn’t want to. She wanted to crawl into bed with her parents and wish this entire situation away. But nothing could fix what had already happened. She needed Tina. She needed her sister, to hear her voice, to hear her words of wisdom. Whenever Louise was lost, she anchored herself with her family. There was no one she trusted more than them.

She pushed open the door. She knew what she had to do, and she needed Logan to do it.

Boo-Boo was still sitting at the counter, burger thankfully gone. She didn’t think she could handle seeing any more food; an unfortunate problem when she worked in a restaurant.

“Anything else I can get you?”

He smiled at her, and she briefly found herself forgetting everything but his dazzling white teeth. He pulled a flyer out of his pocket; it had been folded over several times.

“Not a thing,” he said. “Do you like coffee?”

She vaguely wondered if she was supposed to be drinking coffee, now that this baby was in the way of everything. “Yeah,” she replied.

“Cool. Well, I’m doing an open mic at the coffeehouse near the wharf next weekend. If you want to come. I just mean it as a sort of thank you. For all those years ago.” He handed her the flyer.

She took a brief glance at it. She wondered how someone as rich and famous as Boo-Boo had been now found themselves playing acoustic guitar at an open mic in a nothing coastal town. Was it curiosity, to see how he had fallen, or something more that had her nodding in agreement?

“Sure,” she found herself saying.

“Great. Well, see you then, I guess.” He left the restaurant, and she found herself staring into the distance, where he had disappeared.

Bob emerged from the kitchen, spatula in hand. “Was that guy from Boyz 4 Now?”

She nodded.

“Did he just ask you out?”

“Kind of?”

Bob sighed. “Oh my god.”

“Took the words right out of my mouth.” She hung up her apron at a hook by the kitchen.

“Where do you think you’re going, Louise?”

“Out. I’m taking a sabbatical.”

“What?!”

But she was already out the door. She turned down the street. She needed to find Logan, now.

* * *

 

“So we’re going to Boston.”

Logan looked at her in confusion. “I’m sorry, what?” His office was busy as usual, and Louise could sense a few curious stares in her direction.

“You and me. We’re going to Boston. Today.”

“Louise, I have a life to live. I can’t just drop everything and drive six hours for no reason.”

“Oh, there’s a reason.”

“Care to enlighten me?”

“Not particularly.” She crossed her arms over his chest. “Remember the part where you said you’d be there for me, for anything, no questions asked?”

He straightened a pile of papers on his desk. His computer, a shiny Mac, hummed along in agreement with Louise, or so she thought.

“I never said no questions asked,” he pointed out.

Louise gave him a look that could cut glass. “Didn’t you, though?”

“Please explain to me why we need to go to Boston on a Tuesday afternoon.”

“Fine. I need to see my sister, okay?”

“Tina?”

“Do I have any other?” Louise wished that Logan didn’t look so…handsome and adult and pulled together in his business suit. She felt like a child next to him, still wearing her bunny ears. The bunny ears that had brought their paths to cross, all those years ago.

“Can’t you just, I don’t know, skype her or something?” Logan still sat in his office chair, and Louise sighed in annoyance.

“I…wanted to tell her.” One hand rested on her stomach, and his eyes widened in understanding. “I bet you have a little vacation time,” she wheedled.

He pushed back his chair and stood up. “Let me talk to my boss.”

He disappeared into an office further down the hall. Louise took it upon herself to sit down in Logan’s chair. A man passed by Logan’s desk, and did a double take when he saw Louise. Louise vaguely recognized him; surely he had been in the restaurant.

“Where’s Logan?” The man asked.

“Uh, he had to see his boss for a minute.”

“And you are…?” He had an expensive watch on his wrist, worth probably more than what Louise could make in a month.

“His friend,” she said with certainty. Though she knew she was nothing of the sort, it was easier than trying to explain. She didn’t fully understand it herself.

“Ah, I see.” The man gave her a wolfish grin. “Well, Logan needs more of that in his life. Haven’t seen him with a girl in a long while.”

“I’m not his girl,” she insisted.

The man didn’t appear to have heard her. “Real heartbroken after the last one. Didn’t eat or sleep for days.”

Louise tried to imagine Logan heartbroken. She thought she would take pleasure in knowing he was in pain; he was her archenemy after all. Ten years ago she would have laughed in his face. Now, though, she felt pricks of anger and something else entirely—pain. Pain that didn’t make sense to her in the slightest. The anger was something to get behind. She wanted to punch him.

She didn’t even realize the man had moved on, and Logan was beside her. “You ready?” He asked.

Her small hand made a fist. She wanted to hit him straight in the gut. But that wasn’t logical, not when she was asking him to drive her all the way up to Boston. She took a breath. She could handle being in a car with him for six hours, right?  “Your boss said yes?”

“I told him I had a family emergency. He told me to take the time that I needed.”

She stiffened at the words ‘family emergency’. As much as she was loathe to admit it, Logan was inadvertently part of her family now.

She followed him out of the office and down to where his car was parked.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he muttered as he unlocked the doors.

“There’s a lot of things I can’t believe right now, Logan. My restraint in not slapping you is one of them.”

They settled in the car, and he took off towards the highway. He fiddled with the radio as he drove, until he settled on a station. The music was folky, and it drove Louise crazy in an instant.

“The Lumineers, Logan, really?”

“My mom forced me to listen to classical or jazz at all times. Trust me, you have no right to complain until you’re forced to drive twelve hours listening to Bach.”

“Torture,” Louise muttered darkly.

“You’re tellin’ me. Look, change it if you want. I don’t care.”

She fiddled with the dial until she found a good classic rock station. Music was something else she shared with her dad. Her mom was musical, but they had differing tastes. Her mom was more the Broadway musical type. Gene was arguably the most musical of them all, but his style was one that could not be easily categorized; a sound all of his own. She felt a pang in her heart as Logan merged onto the interstate. She missed them.

“So…” Logan drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “Six hours. To Boston.”

“I believe we’ve established that, yes.”

“I just mean—maybe I should try to actually know you? I mean, we know each other but I don’t really…know you. If that makes any sort of sense.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to know me.”

“Louise, we’re in a situation where we should know each other. Beyond just the surface stuff.”

“I wouldn’t call you trying to steal my ears ‘surface stuff’.”

“I’m sorry about that, you know.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure.”

“Look, I was fifteen and a jackass and I hated life. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. And your ears.”

Louise tugged on her ears without realizing what she was doing. She wanted to hate him. She had to hate him. That hate put fire in her veins; it drew the line. She could understand hate. She couldn’t grasp everything else—the yearning that she had felt that night, the sweet things he had whispered in her ear that made her sigh with longing. It had to have just been all the tequila she had that night. His words nothing more than drunken ramblings. She ignored the way her heart began to race as she studied him, watching him watch the road.

“Louise?” He looked at her. She wished she didn’t flush bright red, as if he could hear her thoughts.

“Yeah?” She said softly.

“Just wondering if you heard me.”

“Right. That.” She searched her mind for some snappy comeback, some proof that she could still hate him. She had none. “Thanks. I guess,” she said grudgingly.

“Is that all?”

“I’m not sorry about the One-Eyed Snakes threatening to cut your ears off.”

Much to her surprise, he laughed.

She stared at him in shock. “You think that was funny?”

“No, no. I hated you for years because of that. It just—it doesn’t surprise me that you’re not sorry about it.”

“Should I be?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I just thought—thought we had moved past that stuff.” He gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, she noticed. “But I guess our conversation the other night proved something different.”

“What exactly are you trying to imply?” She snapped, grateful to be pissed about something.

“I don’t want to fight when we have six hours in a car together, and however long in Boston, and all the way home.”

Louise sighed. She really wanted a fight. She ached for one. But he had a point. She couldn’t exactly get out of the car and jump into oncoming traffic.  She had to keep the peace, for Tina’s sake.

“Logan?”

“Yeah?”

“What brought you back?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, back to town. You went off to some Ivy League, or whatever—Cynthia stopped by the restaurant once to brag—and I figured I’d never see you again. You’d be off doing something great somewhere much better than this shithole.”

Maybe shithole was saying a bit much. But she hadn’t strayed much outside of town, besides the occasional visit to see her grandparents, and to visit Tina, in Boston.

“It was a good job offer, managing some of Mr. Fishoeder’s properties.” He shrugged his shoulders, but would not meet her eyes.  “I never expected to see you in that bar. You’re not even twenty-one.”

“Like you think that would really stop me?”

“Point taken. But you were alone. What happened to your friends?”

“That’s not the kind of hellraising Andy and Ollie were into. I brought Regular-Sized Rudy once but he had an asthma attack from all the cigarette smoke.”  She didn’t want to admit that she didn’t have very many friends outside the three of them. That she spent most of her high school years alone.

“Could we talk about it? I know on the fire escape I said you weren’t mature enough to have that conversation, but maybe I was overreaching a bit.”

“A bit?”

“Well, you did threaten to throw me off the fire escape.”

She sniffed. “You earned it.”

“I feel like we move in verbal circles, Louise. Where I’m trying to get at something real, and all I get back is the same hatred we had as kids. I know you want to pretend this is all not happening, but we can’t. Not anymore.”

“What do you want me to say, Logan, about what happened that night?”

“I don’t know!” He paused for a moment, licking his chapped lips. She thought that maybe she ought to get him some form of chapstick. “That was your first time, wasn’t it?”

“What?” His question caught her off-guard. She hadn’t said as much to him that night—at least, not that she could remember. “Could you tell?”

He had a smile on his face, and she wanted to slap it off. “A little,” he admitted.

She slumped down in her seat.

“It was sweet, honestly,” he said, and she slumped down more, ears as pink as her cap.

“I hate you,” she snapped.

“I know,” he said, clearly humoring her. “Louise?”

“What?”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why me, for your first time?”

She tugged on her bunny ears. “I don’t care. About things like that.”

“You didn’t have a boyfriend in high school? Someone you loved?”

“I had a boyfriend,” she said defensively. “And you’re not one to judge. I could ask you about every girl you’ve ever banged.”

“Yeah, you could,” he said easily. “Ask away.”

She frowned. She had wanted to get a rise out of him; she had no desire to know of all of the girls he’d slept with. Her mind returned to the conversation she’d had in Logan’s office. About the girl he’d been heartbroken over. She was dying to know, yet at the same time, couldn’t bear to know.

“Never mind,” she said. She didn’t say another word to him until they got to Boston.

He parked the car a block away from Tina’s apartment. She walked ahead of him, the streets semi-familiar from the occasional holiday spent up here. She reached the call box before he did, pressing the number for Tina’s apartment.

“Hello?” Tina’s voice came through the tinny speaker, and Louise felt her system flood with relief. No matter how far or near they were, Tina would always be her sister.

“T, it’s Louise.”

“Louise? Are you here?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong? Are Mom and Dad all right?”

“Fine, fine.” Louise took a deep breath as Logan caught up with her. “We just…we need to talk.”


	5. This is the beat of my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She knew she had to tell Tina. She just didn't know how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Sorry it took me a little while to update; I have moved cross country, and now I have a boy to distract me sufficiently. ;) Still, I am very grateful for all the comments and kudos, and hope you enjoy this chapter!

Tina’s apartment was tiny. Like, Louise could cross the living room/kitchen in less than ten easy strides. Tina’s decorating taste hadn’t changed much over the years, and Louise would be surprised if there weren’t horse posters decorating her small room, about the size of a closet.

“Are you sure everything’s okay?” Tina looked at her younger sister with worry in her eyes. Logan was a few steps behind. “Logan?”

He had enough grace to look sort of awkward about their meeting again, considering the last time he had seen her. “Hey, Tina.”

“Hey.” Tina gave him a half-smile and grabbed Louise by the elbow. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to have a private talk with my sister. Family stuff.”

“Totally understandable.” Logan shot Louise a look she couldn’t read.

“There’s coffee in the kitchen,” Tina said to Logan.

“Oh. Thanks. That’s great.”

Tina dragged Louise off to the bedroom, which, as Louise expected, was covered in horse stuff.

“Ever think of changing it up in here, T?”

Her sister shrugged her shoulders. “Should I?”

“Just an idea.”

Tina gestured towards the bed. “Sit.”

Louise did so, reluctantly. Honestly, she wanted to be standing for this conversation. Create enough distance from everyone and everything.

“T…I don’t know how to talk about this.”

“It’s got to be important, whatever it is. Usually you just skype me.”

“Yeah. Um. About that.” Louise stared down at her shoes. Maybe if she wasn’t talking at Tina per se, this would be easier.

“And it’s got nothing to do with Mom and Dad?”

“Look, Tina, whatever I’m about to tell you—you can’t tell Mom and Dad. You have to swear it.”

Tina let out her signature groan. “Louise, you know I can’t lie.”

“I know. Look, just…act natural when Mom and Dad call. They will eventually know…just not yet. Please?” Louise didn’t plead, but she knew her sister would see it in her eyes.

Tina groaned again.

“Tina…I really,” Louise rubbed her eyes. Stupid dust in them. “I just really need you right now. And you know I don’t say that lightly. Or ever.”

Tina nodded. “Okay. I’ll do my best. What’s wrong?”

Louise took a deep breath. Once the words were out of her mouth, there’d be no taking them back. And maybe if she didn’t, the whole situation would disappear. But she had dragged Logan’s sorry ass all the way out here. She had to be fearless.

“I’m pregnant.”

Wordlessly, Tina threw her arms around her little sister. Louise always hated touch, but words could not describe how grateful she was for Tina and her compassion in that moment. More dust in her eyes. She sniffled.

“What happened?” Tina pushed her glasses up her nose.

“T, I love you, but I really don’t want to go into the gory details.”

“I just thought maybe you’d…come to me when you lost your virginity.”

“Like you did with me?” Louise could still recall the scarring nature of that particular conversation.

Tina nodded. “Did you even tell Mom? I mean, not about the pregnancy thing, but the whole losing your virginity thing?”

Louise looked sufficiently appalled. “Tina, do you not know me at all? In what universe would I ever tell Mom about that?”

“I don’t know; I told—“

Louise made a clamping motion with her hand. “I’m not you. And you’re the first person I’ve told about it, anyway.”

“Really?”

“Who am I going to tell, Regular-Sized Rudy?” Louise had briefly considered telling Jessica; the girls had remained friends over the years but had quickly ruled it out. She preferred to stay on the mischievous surface with her friends.

“I wouldn’t recommend telling your ex-boyfriend about who you’ve slept with.”

“I was being facetious, Tina.”

“Oh.” Her sister blinked slowly.  “Can I ask who the father is?”

“Logan.”

Louise had to appreciate that her sister mainly stayed stoic. It was a blessing, truly.

“But you hate him,” Tina said.

“Yeah, I do.”

“But you slept with him.”

Louise sighed in annoyance. “Yes, keep up, Tina.”

“I’m just trying to understand.”

“Trust me, it’s not worth understanding.”

“What are you going to do?”

Louise knitted her eyebrows together. “About Logan?”

Tina shook her head. “About the baby.”

Louise felt a cold chill run through her. She realized, with a start, that she was trembling. Tina put an arm around her.

“I don’t know, T,” she said, her voice breaking a little. “I wish I knew. I have an appointment at the clinic next week, to “talk about my options” but I honestly…I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you admit that,” Tina said softly.

Louise laughed with bitterness. “Don’t spread it around.”

“Never. I can’t tell you what to do, Louise.”

“You’ve never been able to tell me what to do.”

“Pretty much. But I can give you any and all the support you need. And a bed, if you ever need to escape from home again.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“And Louise?”

“Yeah?”

“You shouldn’t be afraid to tell Mom and Dad. They’d love you just the same.”

Louise felt a distinct heaviness in her chest. She knew, on some intrinsic level, that Tina was right. Her family would never turn their backs on her. But that didn’t make telling them any easier.

She stood up. “Good talk, T, but I’m going to try and hunt down some food or something.” She tried to keep her voice casual.

“Wait on that, will you? I’ll take you down to the harbor. It’s nice this time of year. But I want to talk to Logan first. Can you ask him to come in here?”

“Tina, is that really necessary?”

Tina’s features were set in a determined line. “Yes. Yes it is.”

Louise sighed. “I’ll go get him, then.”

Logan was tapping away at his phone when Louise entered the room. “My sister wants to talk to you.”

“Okay.” He approached her. “Is…everything okay?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “As okay as it could be, relatively speaking.”

He disappeared into the bedroom and she heard the click of the door behind him. She settled onto the couch, drawing her feet up to her knees. Decisions. There were decisions to be made. Decisions she didn’t even know how to tackle. She was nineteen, only nineteen. Yes, there had been younger mothers than her, but she questioned if she even wanted to be a mother. It had not been part of her plan. She didn’t even want to get married. All of that seemed to be part of Tina’s life, not her own. Yet here she was.

She had always believed in freedom of choice. Whatever others did, it wasn’t any of her damn business. She thought about the pamphlets in her backpack. Could she really do it herself, though? That, she was never certain of.

“Come on, Louise,” she muttered to herself. “You can fucking do this.”

But she couldn’t, and she knew she couldn’t. Her future had always seemed set: go to culinary school, work at the restaurant, eventually own her own place someday. Never marry. Never have kids. Logan had thrown a wrench into the entire situation, and she wanted to hate him for it. She could hate him for it. It would be so easy to hate him for it. But, technically speaking, he had done everything right. They were both consenting adults. They had just made the wrong decision.

She sighed, sinking into the couch. When he had asked her why, and she said she didn’t care, that wasn’t entirely true. She did care, a little bit. She recognized that virginity was a social construct, and basically full of shit, but she had chosen him for one reason, and one reason only: he had always been the one who had been able to keep up with her. And when she had kissed him that night, it had felt good. Better than good—it had felt right.

But now, things were too complicated, and when things got complicated, she got the hell out. But this time, there was really nowhere to go. She supposed she could take Tina up on her offer and stay in Boston, but she knew that her dad really needed her at the restaurant.

The door clicked open, and Tina and Logan emerged. They didn’t seem pissed at each other, so she guessed whatever they had talked about had worked out, but she was dying with curiosity to find out what they had actually discussed.

Tina reached for her keys in a bowl by the door. “Harbor?” She asked.

“Yeah,” Louise agreed.

Tina was right. The harbor was nice this time of year. The ocean breeze cut through the oppressive summer humidity, and people strolled around, hand in hand.

“I’ll go get us some food,” Tina said, disappearing into the crowd.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Louise turned on Logan. “What did she say?”

“Huh?”

“Tina. What did you tell her?”

He looked her dead in the eyes, blue ones meeting with brown. “I told her about how my desire for you burns with the passion of a thousand suns.”

“Logan, I’m being serious.”

“So am I.”

She pushed him into the harbor. He emerged, sputtering. “The fuck?”

“You earned it.”

* * *

 

“So, there’s the couch…or there’s the couch.” Louise looked at the unfolded couch bed. Sharing with Logan, or attempting to share a twin with her sister and a horse comforter.

Her choice had nothing to do with the yearning she buried, a yearning to be close to him. That ship had sailed. Hell, it had circumvented the globe at this point.

“This is my side of the bed,” she said, pointing to the right side. “Don’t cross it or do something gross like spoon me or something.”

“Fine.”

She buried herself under a scratchy blanket. “Well, good night.”

He turned his back to her. “Good night.”

She closed her eyes. She could go to sleep. She had, after all, shared a bed with Logan before, once. That night, that stupid night. Surely this wasn’t weird at all. Was it?

“Louise?” His voice floated out into the darkness.

“Yeah?” She found herself answering him, instead of pretending to be asleep, like she should have been,

“Can you sleep?”

“Not if you keep talking to me, Logan, no.”

“Sorry. It’s just…is this weird to you?”

“Logan, my entire life is a weird shitshow, and always has been. You’ll have to be a tad more specific.”

“I mean…us.”

“There is no us. There’s you, and there’s me, and there’s—“

“The baby.” He finished the sentence for her. “I just…I thought this would go differently.”

“Yeah, well, getting knocked up wasn’t exactly on my bucket list.”

“I wished I had done things differently.”

“You and me both. I would have never gone to the bar that night.”

“So you regret sleeping with me?”

Her voice cracked a little. “This is not where I wanted to be, Logan.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t change what happened.”

He sighed. “No, it doesn’t. Nothing can. But I can’t regret it.”

She was glad they were under the cover of darkness. She didn’t think she could have this conversation if she had to actually look at him. “Why not?”

“Because when I saw you again, after all these years, it was different. You were still you—Louise, my old archenemy. But the way in which I viewed you had changed. You were so beautiful in that moment, you know that? Beautiful and fearless and uncompromisingly yourself. And you challenged me. You were the first person to ever challenge me—hell, best me. How could I not want you?”

Louise wanted to make some sort of smart ass remark. Something to stop the walls of her heart from closing in. But as they often did, words failed her in his presence. Before, it had been because he made her unspeakably angry. Now—she couldn’t even admit it to herself. She wouldn’t.

“Little spoon,” she said.

“What?”

“I’m always the little spoon. Just so you know.”

She could hear the bed squeak as he shifted his weight. Then an arm encircled her waist, his breath on her neck. She wished, god how she wished, that his close proximity didn’t bring her body back to life. But it did.  With the guise of drunkenness stripped away, her feelings remained. He wasn’t a passing lust. He had the potential to be so much more.

And that terrified the fearless Louise more than she could say.

* * *

 

She awoke to the smell of coffee, and an empty bed. For a brief moment she missed Logan’s close presence, then she saw him in Tina’s miniscule kitchen, buttering toast.

She shuffled into the kitchen. He turned to face her.

“I was going to make pancakes, but Tina’s cupboards were pretty bare, so toast it is.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You can cook?”

“Passably. I have to keep myself alive somehow.”

“Point taken. I just expected you to be one of those guys who eats every meal out.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I used to be.”

The smell of food made her stomach churn. “I’ll be right back,” she said, making a beeline for the bathroom.

She rinsed the bitterness out of her mouth after, still wincing. She looked down at her still-flat belly.

“You better be worth it,” she muttered.

When she returned to the kitchen, though, Logan wasn’t there. The food was abandoned. She turned around to see him on the couch, surrounded by pieces of paper. Vaguely she recognized them as the brochures Elena had given her.

“Logan?”

He faced her, his voice low and dangerous. He brandished the pamphlet about abortion. “When were you going to tell me about these?”


	6. You Can't Break What Isn't Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath, and everything that followed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me a month to update this! I have a chronic illness, and I have relapsed, so the struggle has been real as of late. However, better late than never. I hope you enjoy this chapter. As always, comments are love, and if you ever want to talk Bob's or Louise/Logan with me, come find me on Tumblr @piecesofkessa

To say she was pissed was an understatement.

“You went through my stuff.” It was more than an accusation, it was a condemnation, her voice low and dangerous. It would be too easy to snap and start yelling. No, she couldn’t do that in Tina’s place. But god, she was seeing red.

“That’s not the point, Louise.”

“It’s exactly the point,” she shrieked. So much for staying cool and calm, for plotting some brilliant revenge. She was out for blood.

“What the fuck is this, Louise?” He shoved the pamphlet in her face, and she snatched it out of his grip.

“None of your fucking business, is what it is.”

“It’s absolutely my business.”

“You’re not in control of me!” She wished she could storm out the door but unfortunately her ride was straight in front of her, being a complete dick.

“Were you going to tell me about this? At all?”

Louise shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “You don’t know.” It wasn’t a question, it was a deadly whisper.

“Yes, Logan, I don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing right now, in case you haven’t guessed.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“Fuck you very much, I think it is.”

“I was right.” He ran a shaking hand through his messy blonde hair. “You’re not mature enough to handle this.”

“What more do you want from me, Logan? I am nineteen years old. I haven’t even been to college yet, and now I’m supposed to deal with this?!”

He gave her a withering look. “Then grow up, Louise.”

“What if I’m not ready for this, Logan? What if it’s too much to take? What do I do then?”

He glanced down at the pamphlet in her hand. “You can’t.”

“You can’t tell me what to do!” She wasn’t sure what she wanted, exactly, other than to prove him wrong. Which, so far, was not working.

He seemed to deflate a little at this. “No, you’re right. I can’t.”

Louise found herself disappointed. She wanted a fight to the death. She wanted blood. As it was, she knew she couldn’t forgive him for going through her bag. That was unforgiveable. She remembered in her childhood, how she longed to slap him. She felt a faint vestige of the urge, to slap his hideous beautiful face. Damn him. Damn him to hell.

A door opened a crack. Tina’s dark head poked out. “Louise? Can I come out now?”

“T, it’s your place, you can do whatever you want.”

Tina emerged, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Pretend I’m not here.”

“It’s okay, Tina. We were just leaving.” Logan picked up Louise’s bag from the ground. Louise instantly snatched it out of his hands.

“What did I say about touching my bag?!”

“Yeah, Logan, I wouldn’t mess with Louise’s stuff. She’ll put half-chewed taffy into your hair while you sleep.”

Logan raised an eyebrow. “That’s a weirdly specific example.”

“Like I said. Don’t mess with Louise.” Tina tugged on the ends of her hair, like she was remembering some past trauma.

Louise stood on the tips of her toes—Tina had gotten so much taller over the years—and planted a kiss on her sister’s cheek. “Thanks for letting me stay, T.”

“Anytime. Make it home safe. Tell Mom and Dad I say hi.”

“Can do.”

She was dreading the next six hours. Alone, stuck in a car with Logan. God, she hated him. How she could have ever thought anything else about him struck her as ridiculous. Her childhood instincts were correct. He would always be her arch-enemy.

She climbed into his car, curled up like a small kitten, stomach lurching again. She wanted to sleep, and forget everything else.

They pulled out onto the highway in silence. She tried to ignore her pounding head. This was worse than any hangover. She wanted to, not for the first time, run away somewhere where nobody knew her. Where she didn’t have to face her family with her failures. Where she didn’t have to face the ugly truths she knew were bound to slap her straight in the face.

She glanced over at Logan. He was gripping the steering wheel with more force than necessary, staring out at the bright morning, the incoming traffic. Occasionally, she would catch him side-eyeing her, the expression on his face conflicted. Conflicted about what, she didn’t know. The silence, and all of its judgment, was crushing her but she wouldn’t be the first to speak.

She didn’t have to.

“So you weren’t going to tell me.”  The accusation cuts through the air like a knife.

She felt irritation creep up her spine. “I don’t know, Logan. That’s what I said. I don’t know.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“That’s all the answer you’re going to get.”

“You should have just come to me.”  A car cut him off and he swore under his breath. “We could have talked this out. Figured out our options.”

Louise drew her knees up to her chest. Her stomach was still protesting. She didn’t want to talk about her options. She didn’t want to deal with any of this, at all. She wanted to go back to restaurant and pretend her life hadn’t been ruined by one stupid night with one stupid boy.

“Fuck off,” she snapped. “I don’t want to do anything with you.”

He looked as though she had slapped him, and she felt a pang in her chest. It wasn’t as satisfying as she hoped it would be. Instead, she just felt like someone had scooped out her heart with a hollow spoon. She shook it off. Anything she felt towards him was weakness. She was Louise Belcher, she was better than that.

Her stomach dipped and she clapped one hand over her mouth. “Pull over.”

Logan furrowed his brows. “Why?”

“Do you want me to throw up all over you? Because that could be arranged. Pull over.”

He pulled over and she stumbled out of the car, dropping to her knees on the side of the highway. She heaved, her hair hanging in her face. She tried to brush it back, and came in contact with a hand that wasn’t her own. Logan. Logan was holding her hair back while she vomited. The gesture was so unnecessarily sweet, and so unexpected, given she had just told him to fuck off. It opened up a part of her that she had sealed off, that night with him. A moment, the briefest of moments, when the alcohol had worn off and she had fancied herself—no, she couldn’t admit it. Not to herself, not to anyone.

She finished, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Thanks,” she muttered, unable to meet his eyes.

“Whatever.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Softer this time. “I know, Four Ears. I know.”

They got back in the car, and she curled back up, allowing sleep to overtake her for the rest of the trip.

* * *

 

“Well, here you go.” Logan pulled up in front of Bob’s Burgers.

Louise didn’t know what to say. Was he still mad at her? It sure seemed like it. Yet, he had held her hair back. What the hell was going on in that blonde head of his? She was still pissed. She couldn’t forgive him for snooping. And she still hadn’t come to a decision about what to do. Her appointment with Elena loomed, and nothing seemed any easier.

“Bye,” she muttered, not looking him in the eye. She was feeling petty—more than petty, vengeful.

He said nothing more, and pulled away. She got the feeling that it would be the last time she would see him for a long, long while, and the thought hurt her more than she cared to think it would. She could enlist Gene in some revenge pranking, but her heart wasn’t in it.

She looked at herself in the glass window of the restaurant. “Shape up, Louise,” she whispered.

“Louise, honey!” Her mother was waving frantically from the other side of the glass. Louise sighed, and pushed open the door.

“Yeah?”

Linda rushed towards her daughter. “Where have you been?! We’ve been worried sick about you. Your father went out looking for you.”

Shit. She didn’t want to worry her dad, not ever. No matter what bullshit she got into over the years.

“I was out with a friend.”

“You could have called, at least.” Her mother had her hands on her hips.

“Sorry. Too drunk. Couldn’t find my phone.” She tried to sneak upstairs.

“Oh, you’re not getting away from me, missy! Drunk?”

“Yeah, Mom, I got drunk, I swear I won’t do it again, it was the worst experience ever, amen.”

“Don’t expect to get out of bussing tables because of this, young lady. Your father and I will have to have a talk about this.”

“Sure, sure, whatever. Look, I’m going to shower off my raging hangover, and then I’ll be downstairs, okay?”

“Fine.” Linda’s lips were set in a hard line. Louise knew her mother was disappointed in her. But if she knew the truth, she would be even more so. She wasn’t ready for that, not yet.

Louise took the stairs two at a time, putting her backpack in her room. As she shed her dirty jeans, a piece of paper, folded, fluttered out of the pocket. She picked it up. The flyer, for Boo-Boo’s acoustic jam at the coffeehouse next week. That was when she noticed the sharpie mark in the top right corner. A phone number. Not just any—Boo-Boo’s.

She grinned and pulled out her phone. She would damn well show Logan that she had never given a fuck about him.

“Hell hath no fury like I do, Logan,” she whispered, echoing her words of long ago.


	7. Dead Girl Walking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louise Belcher is a dead girl walking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I ended up getting inspired and writing another chapter! Because I am theatre trash, this chapter is heavily inspired by the song "Dead Girl Walking" from Heathers the Musical. Also, the lyrics to the song Boo-Boo sings are from "You Matter to Me" from Waitress the Musical, the show that was the original inspiration for this fic. Comments are love!

Louise Belcher was a dead girl walking.

She knew it, and somehow, she didn’t want to stop. It had been so easy. To call Boo-Boo, make up some bullshit, and before she could say “would you like fries with that?” she was on the welcome mat of a shabby apartment building on the rougher side of Seymour’s Bay. The restaurant was already closed for the night; she had made up some excuse about going to help Jessica through a life crisis. Nine year old Louise would have had no problem lying to her parents, but ten years later, she did feel a little guilty at how quickly the words slipped from her tongue.

Well, at least with her dad, who clueless as always, had let her go out tonight. And here she was, disappointing him in ways he’d never know. She took a deep breath, and rapped on the door.

Boo-Boo was barefoot. That was weird, in Louise’s mind. She was used to him being some mythic figure, on posters or t-shirts or phone cases of some drooling fangirl. Not a regular guy in a ratty shirt and jeans with holes in the knees.

“Hey, Louise,” he said. His voice was rough around the edges; not the silky tone she had known so well from Tina’s obsessive listening to Boyz 4 Now. She supposed growing up had done quite a number on him.

“Hey,” she said, hoping that she sounded casual, not panicky, despite her racing heart.

“Come on in,” he said. “Shoes by the door.”

Louise’s eyes adjusted to the darkness inside. Taking her shoes off seemed kind of pointless, given the nature of the crappy carpet. The place was sparsely furnished, with a ratty couch in one corner, a TV in the other. The only possession that seemed worth anything was the guitar, propped up against a wall, with an amp.

She curled her bare feet against the scratchy carpet, and longed to reach out for the guitar. Even though Gene was the musical one of the family, she still longed, on occasion, for her own chance to create worlds within notes.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Boo-Boo was short, she noticed. Almost as short as her.

Instantly, her mind compared him to Logan, who towered over her. Logan, who had bent down to kiss her. Who had carried her to bed that night.

She shook her head. Logan was off the list. He could never be anything but her archenemy. She had tried to make it work, damn it, she had tried! And he had done nothing but betray her.

“Uh, a Coke is fine.”

She wasn’t even sure if she was supposed to be drinking that, with the baby, but she kind of didn’t care. She crossed her arms over her chest, shielding her body from his view. She took a step towards the guitar, drawn to it. She could hear Boo-Boo padding around in the small kitchen; the sound of ice hitting a glass.

“Oh, I don’t take ice,” she said. It was a weird quirk the rest of her family gave her shit for on a regular basis, but ice made her teeth hurt.

“Sure, not a problem.” He emerged from the kitchen, glass in hand. He gave it to her; she drank gratefully.

“Want to sit?” He indicated the couch, which was more worn than the Belchers’ clunker of a couch back at home. She was afraid if she sat down, it would disintegrate underneath her.

“Sure, I guess.” Each word was loaded with hesitancy; there was no universe in which this was not awkward.

She settled down on the floor, glass in hand, Boo-Boo on the couch. She had decided, long ago, that dating boys was a waste of time. If she wasn’t so hell-bent on revenge she wouldn’t even be here right now. Boo-Boo, she had concluded, was better admired from afar, and occasionally slapped. Being in the same space as him left her bereft; what was she supposed to say? This was why the loss of her virginity was accompanied by alcohol; seduction was the one type of manipulation she did not excel in. She laughed a little, thinking of seducing Logan. Like she ever could. Like she even wanted to.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Louise staring down at her drink. Finally, the awkwardness became too much to bear.

“Can I ask a question?” She put down her glass.

“Yeah, sure. Anything.”

“How’d you end up here?” She was, she realized, genuinely curious as to how that happened, given his superstar status a mere ten years before.

He sighed. “I figured you’d ask that. It’s not a pretty story.”

“I mean, I thought as much, nobody ends up in Seymour’s Bay by choice.” Maybe that wasn’t entirely fair to the town she had spent her entire life in, but she didn’t feel like being fair about anything right now.

“I had nowhere else to go, honestly.”

“You couldn’t go back to your parents?” She realized how uncomfortable she was at this angle, tilting back her head to look at him. She bit the bullet and settled in on the couch next to him.

He shook his head. “My parents were half the problem. They were my guardians and managers until I turned eighteen, thanks to my contract. Things kind of died out after the first solo album.”

“You kind of disappeared off the face of the Earth.”

“Yeah, the album was a flop. And I couldn’t go back to Boyz 4 Now, not after making such a pull to be on my own. But I thought I was fine. I thought I was set for life.”

“I’m taking it that wasn’t the case?”

He shook his head. She noticed that his hair looked better from a distance, like when she had seen him in concert all those years before. Close up, she could totally tell that he used too much gel.

“I asked for the trust on my eighteenth birthday. Turns out the well had run dry.”

“They spent it all?” Louise couldn’t imagine being that close to so much money, ever. Even finding the ambergris was nothing compared to what Boo-Boo was worth.

“Every cent. In fact, we were in debt. I could have sued them, but I couldn’t afford the lawyer, and I knew I’d never see the money anyway. So I packed up what I had and moved out here. Somewhere I could get lost.”

“I guess it worked.”

He gave her a small smile. “Yeah, I was virtually anonymous until you recognized me.”

She almost choked on her drink. “You have to be kidding me.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Like I said before, people can be extraordinarily blind when they want to be. And I want them to be.”

Louise glanced over at the guitar again. Her fingers itched to touch it. She didn’t notice Boo-Boo’s gaze fixed on her.

“The only thing worth its salt in this dump,” he said.

“What?”

“My guitar. I saw you admiring it.”

“It’s a beaut.”

“I’ve been working on a new song. Want to hear it?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Really, she wanted to get the hell out—not because Boo-Boo was creepy or anything. Her heart just wasn’t in it. Which surprised her; usually she lived for revenge, for wrecking lives.

He crossed over her and picked up the guitar. Louise felt a brief sense of panic, that second-hand fear of ‘oh god he’s going to sing to me’. She couldn’t help but think of her nine-year-old self, how she had felt like Boo-Boo had sung every word directly to her at that concert. Not that she would ever admit that she liked it—or liked him.

The tune was soft and mournful. “I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes/they’ve seen things you never quite say, but I hear/Come out of hiding, I’m right here beside you/And I’ll stay there as long as you let me…”

Louise shifted on the couch. This was too intimate. Too personal. Boo-Boo’s blue eyes were intensely focused on her brown ones. She wrenched her gaze away.

She stood up. “I should, uh, go.”

He put down the guitar.

“Louise, wait!” He jumped to his feet.

Then his lips were on hers, insistent and demanding and nothing like Logan’s. She broke the kiss and bolted to the door.

“I really—thank you,” she shouted over her shoulder.

“Louise!”

But she was gone before he could catch up with her.

* * *

 

She had only been there once. That night, that night when everything went to hell. But kissing Boo-Boo had awakened a fire in her. She needed to see him. Now. She didn’t dare let herself second guess her motivations.

She pounded on the door. “Logan! Open up!”

“What?” He stood there, in a crumpled button down and slacks. Worlds away from Boo-Boo. She hated him so much.

She pressed herself against him, cursed her shortness as she stood on the tips of her toes and pressed her lips against his. Much to her surprise, he kissed her back, then pulled away and brushed away her side bangs. “Louise, what’s going on?”

“Tonight I’m yours.”

“What?” He blinked slowly.

“I’ve decided that I must ride you till I break you.” A bit blunt, but she was never one to beat around the bush.

“Wow. Okay, Louise are you sure? You were pretty mad, the last time we spoke—“

“Shut up and kiss me, Logan.”

Thankfully, he did just that. This was better than when she was drunk. She still hated him—that hatred was basically in her DNA at this point—but god damn, could he make her feel everything down to her toes. Logan broke the kiss and pulled her inside.

He scooped her up easily, and she wrapped her legs around his waist. “What exactly are you doing?” Her words were a whisper against his neck.

“Carrying you to bed.”

She pressed the lightest of kisses to his neck. She knew, on some level, that she was headed straight for heartbreak. That she and Logan could never functionally work. That she was too much of an occupational hazard for anyone to stick around with. But in this moment, she didn’t care. Instead, she’d just give into it, let herself crash and burn. Given everything, she had nothing to lose.

After all, she was just another dead girl walking.


	8. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louise didn't have much experience with morning afters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, yo, yo! This chapter is a bit shorter than usual because I did a writing challenge and actually churned this out in an hour. Also, I feel slightly evil for writing this because Louise and Logan are so dysfunctional and I love them so much for it.

Morning-afters were a thing that Louise had little to no experience with. And, apparently, it involved waffles. At least, it smelled like waffles. She hoped it was waffles. But there was the dilemma of getting out of bed. There was something inherently walk-of-shame-esque about getting dressed in the clothes she had worn the night before. There was no way she was walking out there naked. Not because she particularly had body image issues, but going out there naked seemed to announce to the world exactly what they had done. And Louise wasn’t sure if she was ready to do that just yet. Compromise: look around on the floor to see if she could steal something of Logan’s.

Damn him. His floor was spotless. Why did he have to be so annoyingly neat?

She slipped out of bed and pulled on her underwear. She surveyed the room. There was a dresser up against a wall. Perfect. She had no qualms about rifling through his stuff. She opened one drawer. Socks, rolled neatly into balls. She closed it again. Another. Button down shirts, much more suited to what she needed. She found a blue one; she tried not to think about how it reminded her of his cerulean eyes. As she was pulling the fabric out of the drawer, it snagged on something. A photograph fluttered to the floor.

She was nothing if not nosy—not out of curiosity like Tina or her mom, more like potential ammunition for later. She turned the photo over. Logan, in a suit and tie, bent down on one knee, a tell-tale box in his hands. He was beaming up at a girl—a girl that Louise could never be, not that she ever wanted to. A tall blonde with curls that flowed down her back. Like the girl had crawled out of a Hollister catalog. Meanwhile, Louise was hopelessly dark-haired, petite, and spiteful. This girl had the smile of a beauty pageant contestant. Gross. Someone who Louise would have mocked mercilessly. But she could see the look in Logan’s eyes—love. Hopelessly, irrevocably in love. God, how disgusting. She’d sock him if he ever looked at her like that. She ignored the tiny part of her that yearned for it. That part deserved to be dead and buried.

She wondered if he was keeping her as some secret girlfriend; where had the blonde chick gone? Then she remembered the man at Logan’s office. How Logan had stopped eating after the last one. She must have been the last one. Well, Louise would be nothing but a disappointment. Why was she here, to begin with? What had started as an impulse last night was becoming a mistake. Again. What could Logan possibly see in her? She buttoned up the shirt. Fuck this. She was better than this.

“Louise!” She could hear Logan’s voice floating through the small apartment. She slipped the photo back into the drawer where she found it.

“’Kay,” she called back noncommittally. She couldn’t bring herself to respond with “Coming!” like she was some housewife.

She padded into the kitchen. Luckily, her instinct was right. There were waffles, golden brown, piled high on a plate. She ignored the fact that the way things were going, they’d be splattered all over the toilet bowl in about an hour. She glanced down at her stomach. It was hard not to hate the little parasite.

“Hey Four Ears—wait where are your ears?” Logan glanced at her bare head and she instantly ran back into the bedroom as if the soles of her feet were on fire.

She couldn’t believe—she couldn’t believe that asshole made her forget her ears. I mean, to be fair, he had seen her without them last night when they had slept together, but she preferred not to think about that. She found them on the floor, and put them on, sighing in relief. With her ears, she found some of the strangeness of last night fade away. With her ears, she was Louise Belcher again.

She re-emerged.

“You ran out of there like your ass was on fire, Four Ears.” He had a smile on his face that she desperately wanted to slap off. Her palms itched.

“Go fuck yourself,” she snapped back.

He put a waffle on a plate. “Don’t really need to, do I?”

She could feel herself flushing, and put both hands on her cheeks. “Don’t get cute with me, Bush.”

“Never would, Belcher.” He handed her the plate and she took it. He glanced at her up and down. “Is that my shirt?”

“No, I keep large button downs in my backpack specifically for these occasions.”

“You look sexy, you know,” he said, lowering his voice an octave.

She frowned and stabbed her waffles with her fork. “Shut up and eat your waffle, Bush.”

He grinned at her, syrup dripping off his fork. She felt her heart doing that stupid thing, that thing she liked to ignore, where it felt like it was flipping over in her chest.

She stayed silent through breakfast. That is, until she looked at the clock. Ten am. “Don’t you have work?”

“It’s Saturday, Louise.”

She leapt to her feet, mouthful of waffle and syrup. “Fuck, I’ve got to get to the restaurant.”

“You have a couple of minutes. Lunch rush doesn’t start till noon, right?”

“We open at eleven.” She chewed and swallowed.

“Well, I was hoping we could talk, a little bit.”

The waffles she’d just consumed churned in her stomach. She knew what was coming, and she didn’t want to hear a bit of it. “I’d rather not,” she admitted, perhaps more honest than she should have been.

“Louise, this isn’t just about you and me anymore.”

She sighed and slammed her butt back down on the chair. “I hate you,” she mumbled.

He rolled his eyes. “Sure you do.”

“I do,” she insisted. “You’ve been my archenemy for ten years.”

“I think it’s time we let that go,” he said softly.

She blinked at him. Let it go? Then she laughed. Laughed so hard that tears formed in the corner of her eyes. “You’re hilarious,” she said.

“Louise, I’m being serious.” He put down his fork. “I mean, what’s happened here? The first time—maybe you could chalk that up to the booze. And honestly, if I could do that night over…”

“You’d what, Logan? Whisk me away? Romance me? Ask me to be your girlfriend?”

He ran a shaking hand through his messy blonde hair. Louise had a flash from the night before, of running her hands through that hair while he kissed her, while he pressed himself against her. She shook her head. She didn’t want to remember how good that felt. How much she wanted—how she wanted!—him to be saying these words to her.

“Actually, I was hoping this could mean something more than just another night.”

Louise’s breath caught in her throat. She swallowed the words she didn’t dare say. They were so close to slipping out. To throwing herself at him and kissing him, like she had without shame last night. What had possessed her last night, to run into his arms? Why had it felt so right?

“I don’t know,” she managed to choke out.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I don’t know, Logan!”

He sighed and looked her straight in the eye. She turned away. “Louise, why are you running from your feelings?”

“I’m not running from anything, Logan.”

“Then why won’t you give me a straight answer? Look, you came to me last night, out of the blue. Saying all this stuff about how you wanted me.”

She wanted to explain. To break down and spill everything and have him understood. But that was exposing a raw nerve, one that she never let show. She dragged her fork across the plate.

“I do…want you.” There. She said it. At least as much as she’d give concession to. Her stomach lurched. “And now I’ve gotta go throw up.” She darted from the table.

“Louise, wait—“

She was grateful he didn’t follow her. There was no dignity in this pregnancy thing, none at all. As soon as she was finished, she rinsed her mouth out with a little water and stared at her reflection in the mirror. She had always known who she was. She wasn’t Tina, lurching from insecurity to insecurity. And she had lived her life with people easily figured out, people sorted into easily manipulated categories. Logan had been simple to decipher. Archenemy. All around asshole. Now…she wasn’t so sure.

She retreated into the bedroom, picking her clothes up off the floor and getting dressed. She left Logan’s shirt on a heap on the floor, not looking back as she slipped past the kitchen and out of sight.

* * *

 

“You’re late.” Bob showed his disdain from the grill.

“I know, Dad, I’m sorry.”

He raised an eyebrow to this. She almost never apologized but then again, she never liked disappointing her dad.

Linda stood at the counter, hands on her hips. “You were wearing those same clothes yesterday, missy!”

“So?” Louise rolled her eyes.

“So.” Linda narrowed her eyes at her daughter. “So, who’s the boy?”


	9. Bad Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh my god, Lin, I'm right here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a rare moment of productivity, I finished this chapter fairly quickly. This is also about as fluffy as I get, folks. But I just...I couldn't help but write this. I know it's not super action-packed but I hope you enjoy anyway. The lyrics are from a song called Bad Idea from Waitress the Musical--the show that inspired this fic to begin with.

Louise laughed, hoping her voice didn’t sound too off. “Boy? What boy? Boys are gross.”

Linda had her hands on her hips. “You’re not getting off that easy, Louise. You’re a little too old to still find boys gross.”

Louise scrambled trying to think of some excuse, any excuse to explain where she had been, why her behavior had been so erratic. None was forthcoming, except for the truth, and there was no way she was ready to explain that.

“Does this have to do with that boy in here a few days ago? Boo-Boo? I saw him slip you his number. Did he slip something else, too?”

“Oh my god, Lin, I’m right here.” Bob had a faintly disgusted look on his face.

Louise tucked on her bunny ears. “Trust me, there is no universe in which I would do that with Boo-Boo.”

“Well, he is pretty cute…” Linda fixed her eyes on her daughter. “I will get to the bottom of this. But you should have come to me, Louise, if you were thinking about losing your virginity. We could have talked about it.”

“I literally can’t think of anything worse.”

“Louise, apologize to your mother.”

“Why should I? I don’t want a repeat of the Momgina Monologues. Didn’t she learn that lesson ten years ago?”

Bob pinched the bridge of his nose. “Can we please, for once, just run the restaurant without this kind of crap?”

Apparently not, as Linda spent the rest of the slow morning throwing out guesses as to who Louise possibly could have slept with—Regular-Sized Rudy on the short list—and Louise throwing around dishes with less care than usual.

As she snapped back with insults carefully barbed, Louise couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like, to be the kind of girl who would confide in her mother about these sort of things. To actually be able to sort out the feelings she was aggressively not dealing with. To have someone understand the turbulence of her heart. Not to mention everything else that she was saddled with. Talking with Tina had helped, a little, but Louise knew that what she needed—as much as she was loathe to admit it—was a mother. But she didn’t dare. So instead, she kept her head down and bussed tables and served customers and told herself it didn’t matter anyway, that it was too late for her and her mother. That ship had sailed years ago.

As she looked out the window of Bob’s Burgers, she couldn’t help but feel a trickle of darkness down the back of her spine, the knowledge that no matter what choice she made, she would be completely, utterly alone.

* * *

 

She hadn’t heard from Logan all day. She had hoped, somewhat stupidly, that he would text her, or maybe even show up for a burger. Not that she wanted to see him. Not that she missed him. That would be ridiculous. Dating him would be even more ridiculous. If she was keeping this baby—and that was a big if—she would have to put up with him enough as it was. No need to extend the torture.

And yet, she had jumped him. Completely soberly. She had stayed over at his apartment, eaten his waffles. He had suggested letting go of the past. But could she really let go, and allow in these other feelings, these ones that left her weak at the knees? Louise hated any weakness. But she couldn’t stay away. It was, she decided, the equivalent of shooting up heroin. Not that she had any experience in that department, but she imagined it felt good at first. Better than good. Amazing. And then it rots you from the inside out. That was love, she knew.  It would only end with her shattered into small pieces. And she’d be damned if she let anyone break her.

She was mopping the floors when the bell rang. She was alone in the restaurant; Linda had gone upstairs to start dinner, and Bob was down in the meat freezer, organizing his supply for the next day.

“We’re closed,” she called out, not bothering to look up.

“Aw, I can’t even get a burger?”

She froze. She knew that voice. She knew it all too well.

“Logan,” she said.

“Come on, Four Ears.” He walked towards her, close enough to whisper in her ear. “You can’t break the rules just this once?”

She felt shivers trickle down her neck and back, all the way down her legs to the souls of her feet. Her hands were trembling. It took every ounce of self-control she had not to abandon the mop and pin him up against the counter.

“Not for you. You’re not employee of the month anymore.”

“Aw, are you still bitter about that, baby?” His fingers traced her wrist.

“Call me baby one more time and I’ll grill you for dinner.”

“Fine, Four Ears it is. But my original request still stands.”

She snorted. “Good luck with that.”

“Perhaps,” he pressed the smallest of kisses to her collarbone, “You could be persuaded.”

God damn him. Damn him and his cerulean eyes, damn him and his voice, damn him and the way her skin burned with his every touch. Damn him to hell.

“Hardly,” she said. “I have actual work to do, Logan. Get out.”

“Not a chance.” He grabbed a cloth from its hook near the grill and started wiping down counters. “Let me help, at least.”

“Fine. If you’re going to annoy the hell out of me, at least you could be useful at it.”

They worked in silence for a little while, then Logan reached over and switched on the radio. “Music makes everything better when you clean,” he said.

She didn’t want to admit he was right—did she ever?—but she resumed mopping with gusto. In no time at all, the restaurant was spotless. She returned the mop back to where it belonged in the back, and Logan tossed a rag in the corner.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Come here, Four Ears.”

Her feet obeyed her before her mind could catch up to what she was doing. He held out his arms and she fell into them.

In the background, the radio blared, “It’s a bad idea, me and you/Let’s just keep kissing till we come to…”

She swore her heart was pounding so fast she was going to keel over from a heart attack or something. This couldn’t be normal. This was what happened at Boyz 4 Now on steroids. An earthquake of emotion ran through her. She looked up at him.

“Louise, may I have this dance?”

Some demon had possessed her, some demon that was far more tender than Louise Belcher, that held secrets in her heart that she didn’t dare speak out loud.

“You may,” she said.

His hand on her waist, her arms around his neck.

The music continued from the radio, “Heart stop racing/Let’s face it, making mistakes like this will make worse what’s already pretty bad/Mind stop running/It’s time we just let this thing go/It was a pretty good bad idea, wasn’t it though?”

She didn’t want to tell him that she enjoyed this. That as he spun her around the restaurant, she almost felt happy. Not the kind of happy she was used to, the kind that came with crushing souls under the foot of her black ballet flats. No, this was almost—peaceful? She felt lightheaded from it, and she shook her head, trying to get rid of it.

She didn’t realize the song had ended until he stopped moving, and the music had faded out. He looked down at her (curse her shortness) and she knew what was going to happen a split second before it did. He kissed her without an ounce of selfishness to it, kissing her in a way that left her longing for more.

But instead of another kiss, she reached around him and slapped him.

“Ow, what the fuck, Louise?”

“You earned it.”

He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “You’re so weird.”

“Fuck you, too.”

He broke their embrace. “I guess if I want food I’ll have to go to Jimmy Pesto’s for pizza.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Try me.” With a flourish, he departed and Louise headed upstairs. Dinner would be ready, at this rate. She tried not to think of how much she didn’t want the dance to end.

As Louise disappeared, Bob locked the door to the basement behind him. He had finished with the meat ages ago, but didn’t dare interrupt whatever was going on between Louise and Logan. He couldn’t say he approved. But he had seen the way Louise had looked at Logan, and he knew that his daughter was not ready to talk about it. Not yet.

He turned out the lights in his restaurant, and headed upstairs to his family. Louise would come to him when she was good and ready, not a moment sooner. In the meantime, though he wasn’t the religious type, he prayed that she would be in good hands. That was all he could ask for.

 


	10. At High Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had decisions to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my lovelies! I wanted to get a new chapter up before I started on Yuletide, and Channukkah and every other crazy thing that goes on during this month. Enjoy, and come find on me on Tumblr @piecesofkessa if you want to chat! Also, I'm not gonna lie, Louise's "don't look at me" bit is inspired by April Ludgate from Parks and Rec.

Louise sat crossed legged in her bedroom, pamphlets spread out. Tomorrow was her appointment with Elena, and she still had no idea what she was doing. She reached for the Kuchi Kopi she still kept next to her bed. It may seem childish, ten years later, but Kuchi was comforting in times of great distress. And if there was ever great distress, it was now. She had never questioned her future before: she would go to culinary school and run the restaurant like, her dad had before her. She had taken a gap year after high school, telling herself she needed the break, a decision that she was now regretting, because it had led her to the bar that night, desperate for a change of pace.

Now her future was a huge question mark, and she felt as if she were careening out of control, out of a way that she had known and understood her entire life. Her mother’s words of ten years ago came back to haunt her in startling clarity: “Someday, you’re going to need your mother.” She had dismissed the idea at the time, and if she was being honest, would continue to dismiss the idea if it weren’t for the place she was in now.

She gathered up the pamphlets and put them back into her backpack. She couldn’t go to her mother. Not yet. Not before she had made a decision. She didn’t want to lean on her any more than was necessary. She looked down at her still-flat stomach. She felt no feeling towards the baby that she shared a body with. No particular animosity, but no particular feeling of love, either. It existed, and she would do what she could to protect its existence, but that was about it. Anything else was too complicated. Anything else forced her to rethink her feelings on Logan, and she wasn’t going to go down that road, not yet. Maybe not ever.

How she felt about Logan was just a passing lust, she told herself. She couldn’t outright say she hated him anymore; but she wouldn’t examine her feelings beyond the base attraction. She wouldn’t admit that he had gotten under skin and nestled in her heart. She didn’t need him. Louise Belcher didn’t need anyone.

It was after the restaurant closed, after she had eaten (and thrown up) her dinner that she knew she had to go find him. She didn’t particularly care to find him, or so she told herself, but after the fight they’d had in Boston she knew what she had to do. She took her bike and started down the street, wondering if she was even supposed to be biking while pregnant. She had no idea, but she couldn’t risk taking the car and being asked questions she didn’t know how to answer.

She knocked unceremoniously at his door.

“Logan, open up!”

The door swung open. “Louise?” He was shirtless, and she took a deep breath, trying to inch the distracting thoughts out of her mind.

“We need to talk.”

“Okay, sure. Come on in.”

She shook her head. She didn’t dare go in; she would get herself into a tangle of emotions she had no idea how to think herself out of.

“Not in. At the cove. I can’t…I can’t…”

“You can’t what, Louise?”

“Freaking breathe in your place! I don’t know.”

He took her hands in his own. She wanted to hold on, she wanted to cling to him, but crushed the impulse.

“If you need to go to the cove, we’ll go to the cove. Let me just get dressed.”

* * *

 

The beach was always a safe place for Louise. The lull of the water held her for as long as she could remember. In the ocean, she could emerge, anew. The fact that it reminded her of hours spent in her childhood, hunting for spare change to go get fudge with helped, too. The summer air was thick and soupy as she crossed the sand. The tide was high tonight, and she looked up at the bright moon, comforted as always by its constant presence.

Her favorite place was a rocky outcropping; it was a time of night that the water almost reached the rocks. She scrambled up to the top with ease, Logan following close behind.

“So this is your hiding spot, huh?” He brushed back his unruly blonde hair.

“Something like that.”

“So, what’s on your mind?” He didn’t try to reach for her hand, or anything, and she found she was grateful. But still, one thing nagged.

“Can you not look at me?”

“What?” He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

She stared at her black ballet flats, and contemplated telling the truth. “Because I’m about to be serious, and I can’t handle you looking at me while I do that.”

“You’re so weird, Louise.”

“Fuck you, too. Just don’t look at me, okay?”

“Fine, fine.” He held up his hands in surrender.

“Okay.” She gave him a sideways glance. “You’re still looking.”

“I can’t help it.” He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “You’re beautiful.”

“You’re disgusting, Logan.”

“I’ll pretend that’s a compliment.”

“You’ll do better and stop freaking looking at me.”

“Okay, okay, fine. I’m sorry.”

She exhaled. Wiggled her toes inside her shoes. Contemplated jumping off the rocks and landing straight in the high tide. Came back to Earth, and found the words. Or at least, she hoped she did.

“Tomorrow is my appointment with Elena. And I think….you should be there.”

There was a beat. Then: “If you want me there, I’ll be there. What time?”

“Ten am. And I’m not done, so you can go back to staring at the horizon.”

“Whatever you want, Louise.”

“She wants me to make a decision.” Louise picked up a round rock from a pile at her feet. It was smooth and white, washed that way by the waves. She tossed it from hand to hand as she tried to find the words. “About what to do about…the baby.”

She gave him a side glance. She could see the conflict on his face, the way the muscles in his shoulders tensed. He was clearly not over the fight they had, and she found herself treading carefully, which went against every instinct she had. She drew conflict by nature, but she didn’t want to go down that road with him again, as tempting as the urge to destroy whatever they had notwithstanding.

“What are you thinking?” There was stiffness in her voice.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I mean, I have three choices. I could…terminate the pregnancy and we could go back to our lives and pretend this never happened.”

“I am not forgetting you that easily.” It looked like he wanted to say more, but thought better of it.

“Or I could give the baby up for adoption. Or I could keep it.”

He sounded exhausted when he spoke. “What do you want, Louise?”

“I want to not be in this situation. But that’s not an option.”

“No, it isn’t. Look, I don’t agree with all the options here. But I respect the freedom of your choice. Back in Boston, I was angry because you weren’t honest with me. You kept me out of the loop, and that’s not fair.”

“Logan.”

“Yes?”

“I can’t keep this baby.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she knew they were true. She had a life to live. A dream to pursue. A child was not part of that life. And she had no idea how to be a mother. Not at nineteen, maybe not ever. Motherhood would suit Tina. Not her, never her. She was too much.

“So what do you want to do?”

She drew her knees up to her chest. Without thinking, she found herself leaning up against Logan. He put his arm around her. She let it stay.

“I don’t know if I could…end things.” She stumbled over her words. “I mean, I think that you should be able to choose that if you want to, but I don’t know if I could actually go through with it. You feel me?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I feel you.”

“So I guess that leaves adoption.”

“Yeah. Process of elimination.” His voice was stiff. She couldn’t read the expression on his face.

“Are you okay with that?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know.”

She felt a prickle of fear run up her chest. She ignored it. It was as good as admitting that she needed him, and she would admit no such thing.

“I mean,” he said, licking his lips, “I stand by what I said on the fire escape. I’m here for you, Louise, for whatever you decide to do. I don’t know if I’m ready to be a father. Yeah, I’ve been out of college two years. Yeah, I am a semi-functional adult. But could I be responsible for another life, a life tinier and helpless? That, I have no idea.”

“I’m only nineteen,” she whispered.

“I know,” he said. “It’s unfair of me to expect you to be able to handle this. You have your whole life ahead of you. Hell, you haven’t even been to college yet.”

“I’m sure Elena could tell us more in the morning.”

He held her tighter against her, watched the tide come in. “Until tomorrow, then.”

“Until tomorrow,” she agreed, letting the moon reflect off the waves.


	11. Needles, Dates, and Milkshakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was going to ride her bike to the clinic. Logan had other plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO I AM BACK. I am so so sorry for not updating for two months. That normally doesn't happen but basically the holidays happened, then I was in Florida visiting my boyfriend, and then I had some really intense training for my new job, then I got this really disgusting flu, so it's been crazy. Updates may not be as frequent as I would like simply because my job requires me to travel to a new city every week so I'm only home two days a week, hence limited writing time. But I love you all and I love writing this, so I will do my best to update when I can. Thank you so much for your patience and your comments give me life. If you ever want to chat, come find me on Tumblr @piecesofkessa

She didn’t want to get out of bed the next morning. Louise wasn’t exactly a morning person to begin with, but on this particular morning she just wanted to hide under her covers with Kuchi Kopi and pretend her life wasn’t happening. But, it was, and so she threw aside her covers and padded to the bathroom.

“God, being an adult sucks,” she muttered as she ran a brush through her hair.

She took her time with her appearance that morning, taking careful stock of the clothes in her closet, running a rare sweep of black eyeliner on her upper lids. She told herself she just wanted to look presentable for the clinic. Not because of Logan. Not at all.

“Louise! Breakfast!” Her mother called across the hall, and Louise felt a pang. She wished more than anything that she could tell them what was going on, have them understand and help her. But she was too ashamed to even find the words.   
  
She picked at her food, too nervous to eat.

“You’re quiet this morning,” Linda observed, munching on the last of the bacon.

“Got a lot on my mind,” she snapped, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth.

Linda leaned in on her elbows, her eyebrows furrowing together. “What’s going on, sweetie? You can tell Mommy.”

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Louise said, pushing back her plate.

“Louise…”

“Lin, leave it alone,” Bob said by the stove, and Louise was grateful that, as always, her dad seemed to understand her.

“Gotta run.” Louise darted out of the kitchen, a piece of toast still in her mouth.

Had she still been in earshot, she would have heard Linda turn to her husband, clearing the dishes as she went. “I wonder what’s gotten into her lately, Bobby.”

Bob shrugged his shoulders. He hadn’t told his wife what he had seen between Louise and Logan; he figured it wasn’t his business. He knew, of course, that Linda would absolutely think it was her business, but he knew Louise. She had technically dated Regular-Sized Rudy throughout high school but he had never seen the tenderness between them that he had seen between Louise and Logan that night in the restaurant. Though she would be loathe to ever admit it, he knew that his daughter was, despite her resistance to the whole thing, falling in love. And hell if he knew what to do about that, other than threaten to break Logan’s face if he even harmed a single hair on her head. If he was being perfectly honest, Logan could probably break his face first.

Instead, he looked out the kitchen window, where he could see a flash of pink bunny ears dip into a fancy silver car. “I don’t know, Lin,” he said finally. “I just don’t know.”

* * *

 

Louise was planning on taking her bike to the clinic. She figured that Logan would meet her there. She was not expecting him to be sitting in his shiny silver car, a cup of coffee in one hand, like he was expecting her to get in.

“I can get there just fine,” she said shortly.

“Aw, come on, Four Ears,” he said in that casual way of his that drove her crazy, “Do you really think I was gonna let you walk all the way there?”

“Actually, I was going to bike.”

“Louise.” He arched an eyebrow. “Just get in the car.”

Louise looked back at her bike. Her trusty, trusty bike. Then looked back at Logan. She could, on principle, refuse him. She wanted to, just to piss him off. But fatigue clung to her bones and when she thought about biking all the way to the clinic, she realized she just didn’t want to. She opened the door and slid into the front seat.

“I’m only doing this cause you’re already here,” she said.

He chuckled. “Sure thing, Four Ears.”

She settled into her seat, propping her feet up on the dashboard, giving him a sideways glance. The sun was reflecting off his stupid blonde bangs. She realized she had no idea what to say to him. Most of their verbal exchanges were just insults, before this. And the few nights they had spent together hadn’t involved a whole lot of talking. Should she ask him about his life? Did it even matter? It’s not like they were dating. It’s not like he was in love with her. She ignored the little pang in her chest at the thought.

He cleared his throat. “You look nice today.”

“What?”

“You look nice today.” He made a vague waving hand motion in her direction.

“Are you implying that I usually don’t look nice?”

His easy grin turned into an expression of irritation. He exhaled. “No. Jesus, Louise, can’t I just compliment you and you say thank you and it’s all over?”

“Nope.” She didn’t want to tell him that she could never believe what came out of his mouth, partially because he was Logan, and partially because she knew she was far from pretty. She knew it shouldn’t matter. That she had bigger fish to fry than her appearance; she had to kick ass and take names and putting on some eyeliner had nothing to do with that. But, there were times she glanced in the mirror and wished she could see someone else.

He gripped the steering wheel tighter. “You’re impossible.”

She saluted him. “That’s a compliment I will take.”

He shook his head. “That wasn’t a compliment.”

As they pulled into the parking lot of the clinic, she felt her body tense up. She wasn’t ready for this. There was no universe in which she was ready for this. She felt a rough hand on top of her own.

“Hey,” he said softly. “It’s gonna be okay.”

She wanted to curl her hand around his, wanted to lean into him and press her nose against his sweater and feel his heart beat next to hers, just let herself sink into him and, for a moment, the world would be calm. Instead, she snatched her hand away. “Let’s go,” she said.

He didn’t try to hold her hand again in the waiting room. She just stared down at her shoes until Elena’s sleek head poked out of the door.

“Louise?”

Louise shot up so fast her head started spinning. She realized, upon standing, that her knees were knocking together.

“Come on back,” Elena said, and Louise mechanically followed her, aware that Logan was behind her. The exam room was just as sterile and white as she remembered and she swallowed, hard.

“You can sit here,” Elena said to Logan, pointing to a spare plastic chair in the corner. She turned to Louise, and much to the younger girl’s surprise, wrapped her up in a hug.

“You doing okay?” She asked, and Louise, struck dumb for words, just found herself nodding.

Elena gave her a warm smile. “Take a seat on the exam table, and we’ll talk, okay?” She nodded towards Logan. “Is this the father?”

Logan stood up and extended his hand. “Logan Bush.”

“Elena. It’s a pleasure.” Elena had a French manicure and a small, elegant engagement ring on her left hand, Louise noticed. “Glad you’re here.”

“Glad to be here,” Logan replied, and Louise had to resist the urge to punch him in the face for it.

“If there’s anything Louise feels uncomfortable talking about in front of you, Logan, I will ask you to wait outside, okay? Louise, let me know if there’s something you want to discuss privately.”

Like everything ever, Louise wanted to say, but she knew it was unfair to not include Logan in this decision and discussion. He did want to be involved, after all.

“Louise, did you get a chance to look over some of those pamphlets I gave you?”

“Yeah,” she said, her voice sounding rusty.

“Did you have any questions?”

Louise shrugged her shoulders. “I mean, I don’t really know. We were thinking…” She took a breath. She didn’t like using the phrase “we” as if she and Logan were a unit, but she guessed they kind of had made the decision together. “We were thinking that the best option might be adoption.”

Elena nodded. “If you feel like that’s what you’re ready for, I’ll be there every step of the way, okay?”

Louise felt a rush of relief shoot through her body. Though she’d rather do everything on her own, even she had to admit that this completely put her out on her ass, and she couldn’t do it on her own.

“What do we do next?” This time it was Logan who spoke, not her.

Elena’s earrings swung as she spoke. “I’m going to get in contact with a local adoption agency, and they’ll take care of that side of things for you. You can have either an open or a closed adoption.”

“What’s the difference?” Louise could feel a headache coming on.

“A closed adoption means you have no contact with the adoptive family or your child. Your contact information will remain private. An open adoption allows for contact between families, as much or as little as you would like. You’d work with the family directly for what works best for both of you.”

Louise felt very small on the exam table. Her voice was low. “I don’t know what I want.” She felt no emotional attachment to this child so far, but could that change? Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just shut the door after everything, and walk away? Her instinct was screaming at her to do so, but another part of her couldn’t help but wonder.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to make that decision right away. Your mind might change over this process, and that is one hundred percent your right. I know you feel really out of control right now, Louise, but I want you to be as empowered as you can be in this process. You deserve that.”

Louise felt a lump in her throat at Elena’s words. She pushed away the emotions that welled up in her chest. Feelings were not an option. She stole a glance at Logan. Much to her surprise, he didn’t seem bored at all. He sat at attention, waiting patiently. Not trying to interrupt. Not trying to touch her. Just steadfast. Louise always had a family that was there for each other—they would never abandon each other, no matter how bad it got. But seeing someone else, someone she didn’t fully understand, being so stable, so loyal, unnerved her and she couldn’t put her finger on why.

“Is there anything else?” Louise gripped the edge of the exam table.

“Well, the adoption agency will take care of that part of this process. Here at the clinic, we’ll monitor the medical side of things. So today we’ll take your vital signs, take a little blood, weigh you. Just make sure everything is where it should be.”

Elena crossed the room and reached into a drawer, where she pulled out a small kit that Louise could see had a needle in it. Sweat pooled under her arms. Much like her childhood fear of the dentist, she had never quite gotten over her fear of needles. Especially when those needles were being pushed under her skin.

“Do we have to?” She couldn’t help but ask the question.

Elena nodded. “Unfortunately, yes. Let’s get your blood pressure first, though.”

She barely paid attention when the cuff tightened around her arm; she was too busy staring at that needle. Elena scribbled some numbers on a pad. “Looking pretty good.”

“Great,” Louise said in a flat tone.

Elena opened up the kit. “Left or right?”

Louise felt her breath take a sharp intake. “Right, I guess.”

She was hyper-aware of the cold sting of rubbing alcohol on her skin, of the shiny metal of the needle.

“Take a deep breath, “ Elena advised. “It’ll be a little pinch, but I’ll try and make it as quick as possible.”

The needle bit her skin and she felt her vision swim. She wasn’t the kind of girl to faint at a little blood, it was the shiny pointy thing violating her personal space more than she cared to admit. Her heart was beating way too fast and her breath was coming in abbreviated pants.

She felt pressure on her other hand and turned her head. Logan. Logan was sitting next to her, holding her hand.

“You were looking a little green there, Four Ears.”

The words were on the tip of her tongue, ready to tell him to go away. That she was just fine on her own. But instead, when she glanced back at the needle, her resolve crumbled, and she tightened her grip around his fingers.

“All done.” Elena capped one of the bottles, and in one swift moment, pulled the needle out, replacing it with a cotton ball and a band-aid.

Louise wanted nothing more than out of that exam room. “Can I go now?”

Elena pulled a card out of her pocket. “If you don’t have any more questions for me, yes. I’ll want to see you in a month for another check-up. This is my card. If you have any questions—any at all—please don’t hesitate to call me. I’ll also give you a list of food and drinks to avoid for the duration of your pregnancy, and some common symptoms. Sound good?”

Louise took the card and stood up—far too quickly. She found herself stumbling, much to her embarrassment. Logan gripped her arm and steadied her. She glared at him. “Yeah,” she said. “Sounds good.”

Elena gave her a warm smile. “See you in a month, Louise.”

“See you,” She echoed, pulling her hand away from Logan’s.

“Bye,” Logan said to Elena. “Thank you for all your help.”

“You’re always welcome. Anytime.”

As Louise raced down the hallway and out the clinic, Logan caught up with her in a few strides. Damn him and his long legs.

“Milkshakes?” He asked, and she blinked.

“What?”

“I mean after all that, I’d say you deserve a milkshake.”

“Don’t you, I don’t know, have work and a life or something?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “They’ll survive without me for another hour.”

Louise took his offer into consideration. She could argue that she didn’t want to spend more time with Logan than inherently necessary, but she knew that was a lie—she had sought him out the other night, after all. A milkshake did sound pretty good, especially if he was buying.

“Milkshakes,” she agreed.

* * *

 

“They have forty flavors?” Louise stared at the menu, incredulous.

“What, you’ve never been to Cook-Out before?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Going out to eat isn’t exactly something that happens frequently in our household.”

“I’m not exactly the greatest cook, in case you haven’t noticed. Wendellyne did most of the cooking. So take-out it is.”

“First off, isn’t that kind of sexist, and second, who is Wendellyne?” She glanced at the menu again. “A watermelon milkshake? Seriously?”

“It’s surprisingly good. And yeah, I mean I guess it is. I should probably learn how, and be a functional adult.” He paused, and tore his gaze away from her. “And, uh, Wenedllyne was my ex-fiancee.”

Louise flashed back to the picture she had seen in Logan’s sock drawer, of the blonde girl, the girl she could never measure up to. “Oh,” she said, not sure what else to say.

 She wanted to give him shit for it, of course, but that was difficult to do when her only evidence was a worn out picture, and she didn’t want to cop to snooping in his stuff.

“Decide what you want?” He asked, his expression back to its usual annoying placidity.

“Watermelon,” she said, just wanting to be difficult.

“Can do. Gonna get some cheese fries, if you want to share.”

She shrugged her shoulders. It was difficult to say no to cheese fries, but sharing seemed a little too cozy for her liking. Logan slid out of the booth.

“Hey Louise?”

“Yeah?”

He gave her a sheepish grin. “Does this count as our first date?”

“Shut up and get some cheese fries, Bush.”

His face fell a little, and she felt a small pang with the knowledge that she had probably stung. He walked towards the order counter without a second word, and Louise sunk against the cheap vinyl.

A date. She had been on a few before, with Rudy. Mostly just to the movies or something, and it was usually with a group of friends anyway. She didn’t know what to do with herself when she was alone with a boy, if she was being perfectly honest. Much easier to just drive him away. That, she was an expert at.

She closed her eyes. She had enjoyed having sex with Logan. It wasn’t like she had a vast experience to draw upon, given he was her first, but she knew it could have been much worse. If she hadn’t gotten into this mess, though, would he have ever been anything more than just a hit it and quit it? Unlikely. But this…getting into more, having him care about her, going on dates…this was far more than she bargained for. Yet something drew her to him not that just that first night, but again. She exhaled loudly. If she stopped trying to prove that she didn’t need him, she could fall in love. She could.

“What are you so afraid of, Belcher?” She muttered to herself.

A question she didn’t have an answer for.

“Here ya are.”

She opened her eyes, only to be met with Logan’s blue ones. There was a frosted glass in front of her, filled with thick pink liquid.

“Thanks,” she said.

“No problem.”

She stared at her drink. She couldn’t wrestle with this now. Instead, she could sit here. Talk to Logan. And maybe, just maybe, enjoy it.

She took a sip of her milkshake. He was right. The watermelon was surprisingly good.


	12. A Note of Importance

I'm sure when you saw this pop up you were like, yay, a new chapter!   
  
I am sorry to disappoint, my lovelies, for this a serious business author's note.   
  
There's a reason why I haven't updated in two months and that reason is a beast called anorexia, something I have struggled with since a young age (for twelve years now). The reason why I am sharing this is because it has escalated to a point where I must be hospitalized. Again. In the hospital, I will not have any internet access or my laptop, so writing is basically out of the question.   
  
I will be there for about two months, depending on when my insurance company pulls out, as insurance companies do. 

 

I appreciate all your love and support and I can't wait to get back healthy, and get back to writing Logan and Louise because they give me life. <3 

 

Cheers xx,

 

Kessa


	13. Confessions and Circumstances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You'll need your mother someday."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO I MISSED YOU LOVELY PEOPLE SO MUCH!!! I know it's been forever and a day. When I lasted posted, I was supposed to be going to inpatient. I got on my plane to Ft. Lauderdale and my insurance company denied coverage while I was in the air so I was forced to turn around and come back to my home state and wait till they decided I was half-dead enough for their liking. Then I went back to Florida, and finished there, came home, struggled a whole lot, ended up back in the hospital this month, and now I'm out again, and doing much better. This chapter was mostly written while I was down in Florida, and I'm sorry it took forever to be posted. Thank y'all so so much for the well wishes; I will reply to every single comment! Please enjoy this chapter, and the next won't take nearly as long!

She was regretting the watermelon milkshake. Not because it didn’t taste good—it was awesome—but the whole thing hung heavily in her stomach as Logan drove her back to the restaurant in silence. She wasn’t sure what had come over him; at Cook Out it had been just as it always was: thinly veiled animosity. This silence made her nervous.

Louise liked knowing where she stood with people—friend, foe, family. But Logan did not fit neatly into any of those categories, and that made Louise more uneasy than she would care to admit. She clicked on the radio, head moving in time to the beat of the music. Almost instantly, Logan shut it off.

“What, you don’t like Chance the Rapper?”

“Louise.” He fixed his annoyingly intense blue eyes on her.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Logan.”

“We need to talk.”

Her stomach swooped into a pit of dread she had to will away. “Maybe we don’t,” she said, fixing him a long glare.

“I’m being serious, Louise.”

“Fine,” she snapped, grateful for a reason to be pissed again. Pissed was better than fear.

“I think it’s time we told somebody about this.”

“Somebody?” Her voice turned sharp and shrill. “Somebody like who?”

“Like your parents, maybe? Or mine?”

She froze. “N-n-no. I th-think—no.”

He blinked. “You stutter?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Really, Louise. What’s going to happen when you start showing? Nobody’s going to think you went and got fat.”

“I hate you so much, Logan Bush.”

Much to her surprise, he reached over and softly stroked where her hairline met her forehead with the pad of his thumb. The gesture was unnecessarily tender and she felt a lump in her throat that refused to budge.

“We don’t have to tell my parents, at least not yet.” Louise could see the flecks of anger in Logan’s eyes. “But your family deserves to know.”

She pushed his hand away. “Tina knows.”

“That’s not what I meant, Louise.”

Louise stared out the window. Almost home. She always thought the last place on Earth she wanted to be was anywhere with Logan, but she was wrong. Going back to the restaurant right now was infinitely worse. Logan pulled up to the front of Bob’s Burgers.

“Want me to go with you?” He asked.

Louise shook her head. “No. I’m fine. It’s fine. Whatever.”

He gave her the look she hated, the one that spoke a thousand truths. “You’re full of shit, Louise.”

She flipped him off, but she wished he wasn’t so right.

* * *

 

Louise paced in her bedroom, back and forth, back and forth. She was a caged animal, no escape in sight. Who to tell, who to tell? Her dad was the first person who came to mind. She opened up to him more than anyone else in the family. Would he be disappointed in her? Probably.

Her heart dropped to her stomach, imagining the sadness she would see in his eyes, the pain of knowing that she had fallen so hard, so fast. Not to mention that he would have to know that she was no longer a virgin, that she had sex—and although Louise was reluctant to admit it—she enjoyed it. No. Her father was not an option.

Linda’s voice echoed in her mind, words Louise had heard ten years ago, “You’re going to need your mother someday.”

Louise stopped pacing. As loathe as she was to speak the words out loud, she needed her mother.

But how to tell—that, she had no answer for. She tugged on the ends of her hair. Though she stopped wearing her bunny ears every day, she wished she could hide underneath them now more than anything. She pushed open her door. Her steps down the hall were slow, deliberate.

She stood in front of her parents’ bedroom, rocking on the tips of her toes. She had to knock; she didn’t want to know what her parents were up to (or not up to) after hours. Her fingers made a slight tap on the door, not her usual aggressive knock that announced her general presence. Even so, her mother had bat-hearing.

“Louise, sweetie, is that you?”

“No,” Louise snapped.

“Come in.”

Louise’s breath caught in her chest. She knew she had no other choice but to walk in; running away would only prolong the inevitable. Better they heard it from her than from Logan, anyway.

Her mother sat at her dressing table, taking off her makeup, alone.

“Where’s Dad?”

Linda shrugged her shoulders. “Downstairs. Something about brainstorming for the burger of the day. Running out of ideas, he said.”

“Okay.”

“Come sit.” Linda patted the bed. “Tell Mommy what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Louise said automatically.

Linda furrowed her brow. “You don’t usually seek me out, Louise.”

The bluntness was unusual for her mother, and Louise was taken aback by it. It was difficult at times—well, all the time—to really see her mother as a full person, someone with moods and shades of grey and moral ambiguities. Maybe mistakes in her own right. Like Hugo. Louise would never let her forget Hugo.

Louise perched on the edge of the bed, not settling in. Muscles tense, like an animal ready to be hunted, well aware of its own imminent demise. There were no delicate words, no way of telling the ugly truth without just ripping off the bandage and soaking in her woundedness.

“I lost my virginity.” That was a good place to start with.

Mentioning she had slept with Logan three times now was a place she didn’t want to go with her mother. That drunken night, and what had happened a few days ago, the night where she had lost herself to something baser.

Louise was not surprised when her mother, with a small shriek, leapt up from the table and wrapped her daughter in her arms. “Tell me everything!”

Louise groaned. “I really rather not go there.”

“Who was it? Rudy? Did you and Rudy get back together?”

“Rudy?” Louise made a face. “Ew, no, Mom, stop.”

“You can talk to your mother.”

Louise was regretting this more than she could say. Or rather, she could say, but she’d only hurt her mother, and she was trying not to do that anymore. Sometimes. She could feel the words on her lips, barely. She could tell her. She had to tell her. But she didn’t have to know everything. Linda didn’t need to know how she really felt. She couldn’t get inside Louise’s head.

“It was Logan.”

A beat. A beat of silence that seemed to last forever. Louise wasn’t great at reading people, probably because she didn’t care enough. The expression on her mother’s face was confusing at best. Finally, Linda spoke.

“Logan Bush? I thought he was your archenemy?”

“I’d rather not go into it.”

Linda leapt to her feet. “Are you telling me that he—“

“Jesus, Mom, no! Sit down. I…wanted to, okay?”

Once again, Louise could not puzzle out the expression on Linda’s face. “How long have you been dating him, Missy? And why didn’t you come to me and your father?”

“We’re not dating.” As Louise said the words, she felt her heart sink. She brushed the feeling aside. That was stupid.

Linda blinked. “You’re not dating.”

“I didn’t realize I wasn’t speaking English. Yes, Logan and I aren’t dating.”

“Are you two still…involved?”

Louise ran her hand through her hair. Her laughter was bitter. “No. We are not.”

Her mother stood up again, reached for her daughter. Louise backed away.

“I’m fine, Mom. Seriously. It’s fine.” Her voice quavered when she spoke. She swallowed, hard. She wouldn’t cry about this. Not about any of it.

“Louise, something’s wrong. A mother always knows.”

Louise wiped at the corner of her eyes with the back of her hand. Allergies. It was really dusty in here. The last thing she wanted was for her mother to notice.

“I…” She wanted some smart ass remark. Something to make this better than it was. Some other way of saying this. She could feel her stomach turning over, and she wasn’t sure if it was morning sickness, or the absolute dread she felt at voicing this out loud. “I’m pregnant.”

“Oh, sweetie.” Linda pulled her daughter into a fierce hug. Louise stiffened. She didn’t want to be touched. She didn’t want sympathy. She didn’t know what she wanted, really, except to not be in this situation.

“Don’t tell Dad,” Louise said, muffled by Linda’s hair.

“We’re going to have to tell him eventually.”

“Yeah, I know.” Louise squirmed. “Just…not right now, okay?” Her tone changed softer, pleading, and she hated herself for it. “Please.”

Linda pulled back to look Louise in the eyes. “All right. But you will. Not me. You. He needs to hear it from you.” She paused. “Do you need someone to take you to your appointments? Where are you going to the doctor?”

“The clinic on the other side of town.” Louise struggled for breath. “And Logan takes me now.”

“Is he doing the respectable thing?”

Louise furrowed her brows. “Respectable thing?”

“Marrying you.”

She shook her head. “We’re not…I’m not…no.”

“He ought to. But what do you expect, a child raised by that piece of work Cynthia. No manners, the lot of them.”

“Mom, it’s not necessary, okay?”

“Well, if you’re going to have a family together…”

She wrenched herself out of her mother’s grip. “There’s no family, okay? None! It is what it is, and that’s all! Just leave me alone!” She ran out of the room.

“Louise, where do you think you’re going?”

“Far away from here!” She snapped, halfway down the stairs. There was only one place she really could go, with all of this. She pulled her bike out from its spot, and all Linda heard was the slam of the door punctuating her daughter’s sentence.


	14. I Don't Need Your Bullshit Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She didn't think she would run into his arms, but there she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! First off, I want to thank y'all for the lovely comments and continued support, I promise I will get back to every single one of you before my inbox implodes, haha. 
> 
> I wrote most of this chapter while inpatient in another hospital, boy is it hard to re-read my own handwriting. But I hope you enjoy! I've gotten sucked into the Louise/Logan hole, and started another WIP that's quite different from this one.

Louise didn’t know why she ended up at Logan’s place whenever she was in crisis. Her family was her rock, and it wasn’t like she let anyone see her emotions anyway. Emotions were for locking herself in her closet, and muffling her screams into her pillow. But no amount of screaming could get rid of the maelstrom in her head. She stood on the tips of her toes, swaying back and forth on her feet as she rang the bell.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Frowning, she rang the bell again. She could hear the latch being undone and the door swung open. Logan was shirtless, his hair stuck down and wet, as if he had just come out of the shower. Louise felt her breath catch in her throat; the desire for him rising despite herself.

Logan furrowed his brows. “Louise, are you okay?”

She opened her mouth to say something biting and witty, something to knock him down a peg or two, and a sob came out instead. In less than thirty seconds she was ugly crying, snot dripping out of her nose, tears running down her cheeks, her breath coming in choking pants.

“Louise…”

Logan ushered her inside, and the door clicked shut behind her. Louise covered her ears. Even the smallest sounds were too much. The lights in Logan’s loft were too bright. She felt as though she were floating out of her body, there but not there. The bottoms of her feet tingled, and went numb. Knees buckling, she felt herself go down, down, down, like Alice in the rabbit hole.

But wait—she wasn’t falling, Logan had her by the waist, holding her up. She wanted to tell him to let go, to just let her fall in a heap, but another part of her craved his touch, wanted him to hold her, breathing in his scent, hearing his heartbeat.

“Can you walk?” Logan’s voice sounded very far away, and muffled, like he was speaking into a pillow.

She didn’t answer, so he scooped her up, bridal style. She was too exhausted to fight back and sat on the couch, drawing her knees up to her chest, tears running down her cheeks. Logan proffered a box of tissues. She sniffed and took a few, wiping her face, blowing her nose.

“Do you want tea?”

She blinked. “What?”

“I…don’t know how to help. But whenever my mom is stressed, she makes chamomile tea with lemon.”

“I really don’t think chamomile tea will get the stick out of Cynthia’s ass.” The thought of Logan’s mother drinking tea at the restaurant, thinking she was so much better than the Belchers still made Louise’s blood boil. And she wished she had gotten a chance to slap Logan that day.

He grinned. “I can’t even defend her at this point, really.”

“So, no, I don’t need any of your bullshit tea.” She sniffled again.

“There’s the Louise I know and lo—like.”

Breath caught in her throat, her hands tingled. She wanted to slap him. The implication of—she couldn’t even say the word. She wanted to tell him that there was no point in him caring for her. That she’d only fuck things up.

“Too bad I still hate you,” she snapped, wanting to see Logan’s face fall, to wound him. It was all she knew.

Instead, he planted a kiss between her eyes. “You don’t hate me, Louise,” he said.

“Fuck you very much, I do so.” She held up her hands, in an echo of her old self, so many years ago. “I have this one, and this one, and they’re ready to get to work.”

He pulled away, his sigh heavy. “We’re not nine and fifteen anymore. It’s been ten years.”

“I know,” she retorted.

“Then why are you acting like we are?”

She didn’t have an answer to question. Not really. She didn’t even want to answer that, to unravel all of the thorny parts of her heart. Leaning, in she pressed her lips against his. She had a fierce desire to escape herself, to _feel_ something other than the pain that hammered away at her soul.

At first, he was stiff, unresponsive. Sure enough, he melted into her, his hands on her waist. He was still shirtless, and she ran her hands down his body, the lightest skin to skin touch making her tremble. He broke the kiss, his mouth making its way to her neck.

“God, Louise.” The lust in his voice shot a lightening bolt through her body, shocking her to the tips of her being, every nerve illuminated. She could stay drunk on this power forever, the power in the way he looked at her, the way he bucked his hips.

She resented the way her body responded to his in this way, how feelings she didn’t dare name got caught in her throat. The frantic pressing against him, the depths of her hunger could frighten her if she actually stopped to think about it. But she couldn’t think.

Logan’s hands slipped under her shirt, hands fumbling at the back of her bra.

“Where the hell’s the clasp?”

“Front.”

“Shirt off,” he growled, and she pushed him down on the couch, straddling his hips.

“No,” she replied. “We do this my way.”

In one quick moment, he flipped her over, rubbing against her thigh. “I think we’re evenly matched.”

“Fuck you, Bush.”

“You’re about to, aren’t you?”

She reached for the button on his jeans, pressing her mouth to the exposed skin at the waistband. She felt him tremble, and a rush of pride flooded her—this was how she won, this was the power that was almost as intoxicating as getting her way. Having the ability to make a man tremble at her touch, and not just any man, but the one she had loathed so much. No victory tasted as honey-sweet. His hands drifted down to her black pants, flicking the button open with ease, trying to slide them down her thighs. There was no elegant way to get them off.

“Fucking skinny jeans,” he said, and she laughed, a hysterical note creeping into her voice.

Sobbing, lust, laughter—did any of it make sense? For the first time, she felt exposed in every sense of the word, and she shivered.

Logan’s fingertips traced her upper arm. “You really want me, huh? Tell me what you want.”

“No.” The word froze on her lips.

He stopped immediately, buttoning up his jeans. “Just confirming: you don’t want sex right now?”

“No. I mean yes. I mean no, I don’t want it.”

“Okay. Not a problem.”

She pulled up her jeans, not even bothering with putting the bra back on. She was only a B cup anyway.

He studied her. “Come to bed with me, Louise. Not in that way.” There was so much tenderness in his voice that something inside her broke. “You’re exhausted.”

Louise didn’t care for kindness. Kindness had a way of rooting inside her, making her feeling foggy, nameless emotions she tried to shut out. She only ever tolerated kindness with her family—and even then, she pretended she didn’t need it.

“Okay,” she said, simply. She was tired of fighting, at least for tonight.

Instead, she held out her arms, clinging to Logan with all of her limbs, and felt him hold her until she fell into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

 

If Louise was the kind of girl who cared about her appearance, she would have been horrified to wake up next to Logan in an old shirt of his, her hair in a sea of knots, tongue hanging heavy in her mouth.

“Morning,” he said, his breath tickling her neck.

“Fuck off.” She tried to shove a pillow in the general direction of his face, but he was too quick for her. ‘

“C’mere.” He wrapped his arms around her, and damn him, it felt so good to have him close.

He placed a hand on her stomach. “Weird to think there’s a tiny human in there, kicking around.”

“Hasn’t kicked yet.”

“Soon enough, I guess.”

She felt a heaviness sink into her body. “Can we talk about something other than this baby?”

“Yeah.” He paused. “You know, we’ve been crossing paths for years but I don’t actually know you. As a person.”

“I didn’t exactly want you to.”

“Point taken.” His hands moved to her thighs. “Tell me something I don’t know about you.”

“I like sharks.”

“Sharks?”

“No, goldfish. Yes, sharks. We had a mechanical shark at the restaurant once, totally destroyed the place. But I prefer the live ones. When that lame-ass aquarium got off the ground more, they had these little nurse sharks you could pet with two fingers. Tina liked the touch pool with the sea cucumbers, and I gave her shit for it, but I really liked petting the sharks.”

“I could see that. They’re fierce, like you.”

“Yeah. Your turn.”

“Okay. This is kind of embarrassing, but I didn’t have my first kiss till I was sixteen.”

She snorted. “What a loser.”

“Like you’re any better?”

“I had my first kiss when I was nine, you butt.”

“Who?”

“I’m not telling.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

They lay in silence for a little while, Louise’s blood boiling, then cooling. She could feel herself settling into him.

“We could spend all day in bed,” he said.

“Don’t you have work?”

“It’s Saturday.”

She shot upright. “I have to get back to restaurant. It’s our busiest day.”

“Relax, Louise, it’s only 8 am.”

“You woke me up at an ungodly hour? You bastard.”

“You want chocolate chip pancakes?”

She wavered. Chocolate chip were her favorite. “I guess.”

He swung out of bed, grabbing her hand, as if he were promising adventure. “Well, come on then.”

* * *

 

Logan was getting better at cooking, she decided. Not that she was going to tell him that. He leaned on the counter, taking her in. She was still in his shirt. “How are they?”

She chewed, speaking with her mouth full. “They’re all right.”

“Good.”

“Is this the only thing you can make?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I can make pasta.”

She rolled her eyes. “Very impressive.”

“If you’re such a talented chef, why don’t you make anything?”

“I do at the restaurant, idiot. What do you think I do, fuck around all day?”

“I mean, yeah.”

“I hate you.”

“Will you teach me?”

“What?”

“Teach me. How to make a good burger.”

“You challenging me, Bush?”

“More like a request.”

She paused to consider. Bringing Logan into the restaurant would be less than ideal. Louise didn’t even want to approach that mess, especially with her mother. “After hours. But you’re not touching the grill, I am.”

“How am I supposed to make a burger if I can’t touch the grill?”

“Figure it out.”

“You’re impossible, Louise.” He leaned across the table and kissed her.

She hadn’t thought the word impossible could be said with affection like that, punctuated with a kiss that made the bottom of her feet tingle.

“I have to go.”

“Again?”

“Yeah, again.” She pushed back her chair. “Thanks for breakfast.”

She grabbed her shoes and took off, dialing the number on the business card in her backpack. “Elena? I need some help.”


	15. A Logan Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Logan Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! So I decided to do something that I did with a Hamilton multi-chap I wrote a while back. It was mainly Eliza's POV, but I also did a couple of interlude from the POVs of the other characters to help round out the story. I thought this might be the perfect time to get some of Logan's perspective on things. I hope you enjoy, and in the next chapter we'll go back to Louise as she seeks out Elena!

He didn’t wash the dishes right away. Instead, he watched her grab her bike and leave, like she continued to leave. He tore himself away from the window.

There was so much he wanted to say to her. He had almost slipped—and he knew she caught onto it. He ran his hands through his bangs. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. But his life had been a disaster since Wendellyne had left a year ago. He didn’t love his ex-fiancee, though it had taken a hell of a lot to get past her. He hadn’t, however, expected to fall so hard and so fast for the girl that ran away every time he got close.

He turned to the sink, made the water hot, the dishes clattering. He hated cleaning, but it was something to do. He wanted to tell someone, find a way to unload everything he could, but Scotty and Jacob sure as hell weren’t up for the task.  There was only one other person he could trust. He dried his hands on his pants—he didn’t have dish towels—and reached for his phone.

She picked up on the second ring.

“Logan?”

“Hey, Shanea. You free?”

“Yeah, I don’t have a lot going on this weekend. Trying to keep things a little chill.”

“Do you want to get coffee? That place down the street?” Coffee seemed nonthreatening. He tried not to think about how he wanted burgers—was he really craving the food, though, or the chance to see Louise again?

“Sure. Meet you in thirty?”

“Sounds good. See you then.”

The coffee place down the street was one of those local joints; he liked it better that way. Patrons sitting outside with their dogs, who always got a treat from the owners of the shop. Open mic nights; he could see an advertisement for one next week.

“Hey, Logan!” The owner, a petite Vietnamese girl named Kim, greeted him with an enthusiastic wave. “How’s it going?”

“You know,” He waved vaguely. That was all he trusted himself to say.

“Yeah, I do. Life can be messy sometimes. The usual?”

He nodded. “Thanks, Kim.”

She smiled. “My pleasure.”

He was kind of a wuss about coffee. He liked it, but never black. Whenever he got a chance, he got a latte, with hazelnut and vanilla. Kim always did amazing latte art; today was a kitten. He put a couple of dollars in the tip jar.

“You’re the best, Logan.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” He settled into the farthest corner of the shop, with a couple of plush armchairs.

Shanea breezed into the shop as she always did, her hair pulled up into a dancer’s bun, leggings and a pink wrap-around sweater. Though she taught ballet and jazz to the youngsters in town during the week, she never quite lost the dancer aesthetic on her time off. He waited while she picked up her order, and settled into the chair opposite him.

“Matcha?” He asked, nodding towards the green liquid in the cup.

“You should really try it, Logan,” she said earnestly. “It’s so good for you and doesn’t have the caffeine crash of coffee.”

“It tastes like vegetables.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“I don’t want a hot beverage that tastes like grass.”

“Suit yourself.” She slurped her drink and he winced—it was one of the few things that drove him crazy about her, ever since they met his sophomore year of high school. “So, what’s up?”

He drummed his fingertips on the armrest of the chair. He wasn’t ready to talk about the pregnancy. Not yet. But he needed to talk about her. “There’s this girl. I slept with her three months ago. We were drunk. I didn’t—I wasn’t planning—she caught me by surprise.”

“Hit it and quit it?”

“That’s what I thought. But then she came back.”

“Why?”

He paused. “I don’t know.”

It was a half-truth; he didn’t really know what had motivated Louise that night they first slept together. She had challenged him to a drinking contest. She had almost drunk him under the table when he had stopped her—he could see she was crossing the line from drunk to fucked up. He had walked with her down the street, their laughter mingling, him holding her up by the waist as she stumbled. She had wanted tacos, so they had gone to Pancho’s at one am. He had wanted her to eat anyway, to help her sober up a bit. Three tacos in, she had leaned across the table and kissed him. She tasted of hot sauce, and it caught him off guard, the way her kiss had opened up his closed heart, at least for a moment.

“Logan?”

“What?” He was jolted out of the memory. \

“Lost you there for a second.”

“Oh, sorry, sorry.”

“No need to apologize. So this girl’s on your mind.”

“I guess you could say that.” He cleared his throat. He could never open up to Scotty and Jake about this, and although he seemed like a popular guy on the surface, his circle of trust was very limited. “But she’s stuck on this idea that we’re enemies.”

“Enemies?”

“We were, as kids.”

Shanea’s eyes widened in understanding. “Are you talking about that kid with the bunny ears?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Louise.”

She let out a low whistle. “Well, shit, I wasn’t expecting that one.”

“Trust me, neither was I.”

“So she hates you, but keeps coming back.”

“She says she hates me. But I’m not so sure. She doesn’t have to stay, yet she does.”

“If you’re looking for me to understand what goes on with her, you’re talking to the wrong person.”

“No, no, it’s not that. Not really, at least.” He paused. “I…think I caught feelings for her.”

“Caught feelings?” Shanea raised her eyebrows. “What the hell does that mean?”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“If you don’t, it’s going to tear you up on the inside.”

He paused to consider her words. She was right. And it was tearing him up inside; he thought of the sleepless nights he had lately, thinking of Louise. Thinking about whether he had a future with her, beyond this baby. Realizing, with a start, that he did want one with her.

“I love her.” The words slipped out, and he wanted to take them back, but he couldn’t. He knew they were true.

Shanea put down her teacup. “What do you love about her?”

“She’s challenging. Smartass to no end. Sharp, very sharp, though she never admits to it. Sarcastic, funny as hell.” He took a sip of his coffee. “I love all the little things. Like how she likes sharks, chocolate chip pancakes, milkshakes. That she doesn’t give a fuck about what others think. How hot she looks in one of my old shirts. I love kissing her, waking up next to her, holding her close. And I love that she still wears her bunny ears.” He hadn’t meant to spill his feelings all over the coffee table like that, barer than he had ever been, but he felt a weight lift off his chest the more the words came to the surface.

“I’m going to ask you something else, and I hope you’re not offended by it.”

“Go ahead.”

“Are you over Wendellyne?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” There was a defensive edge to his voice.

“Logan, she didn’t show up to her own wedding. You wouldn’t talk to anyone for weeks.”

He brushed off the comment as if it were a wasp. “We weren’t right for each other.” He didn’t want to say more than that.

“And you think Louise is?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want to find out?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“Willing to take the risk she doesn’t feel the same way?”

He felt a pang in his heart, a rip under his ribs, at her words. He wondered if he could survive it. “I don’t know what else to do.” He weighed things. Could they have been different, without the baby? But without the baby, she would have never come back to him.

“Then do it,” Shanea said softly. “Go and tell her how you feel. Being vulnerable is courage, much more than people realize.”

He stood up. “I will. I’ll tell her. I’ll go over there and tell her. Thanks, Shanea.”

She smiled. “I didn’t do a whole lot.”

He shrugged. “I needed a sounding board who could understand.”

“That, I can always provide. Good luck, Logan.”

“Thanks, I’m going to need it.” He practically tripped over his shoes in an attempt to get out of the shop and to his car.

It was the longest drive of his life, even though it was only ten minutes across town. His mind spun, half sentences running through and departing just as quickly. How could he tell her? Was he really brave enough to go through with this?

He parked his car in front of the restaurant. He could see, through the glass windows, she was wiping down tables. He took a deep breath, and pushed open the door.

She looked up from the table, slipping the rag into the pocket of her apron. It took all of his self-control not to pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless.

“Four Ears.”


	16. Unexpected Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, Four Ears."  
> What happened after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! I'm back! I'm sorry this took forever and a day, I was thrown into residential treatment for my eating disorder again, and stayed for two months, and spent the month after trying to pull my shit together. It's semi-pulled together, and this chapter has been partially written in my journal from the time I was in residential. Thank y'all for being so patient and kind and wonderful to me throughout this process, and have a chapter for Christmas if you celebrate, or for belated Chanukah if you celebrate Chanukah like I do! <3

Louise paced back and forth outside the restaurant, practically feeling her dad staring at her from behind the glass, wondering why she hadn’t come in yet.

One, two, three rings. Louise gripped her phone tightly.

“Hello?” Elena’s voice calmed Louise somehow, even if chaos still reigned.

“It’s Louise.”

“Oh, Louise! How are you doing?”

“Fantastic,” she said. “Just peachy.”

“What’s going on? Do you need to come into the clinic?”

“I don’t think so. It’s not medical.” She lowered her voice, shame sticking in her throat. “I have emotions.”

“Okay.” A pause. “Do you want to come in today and talk about it? I work today, covering a shift for someone.”

“I guess. I’m kinda broke though.”

“There’s no charge for conversation. I don’t have any appointments this afternoon.”

“After the lunch rush. 3 work?”

“See you then.”

Louise was never good at goodbyes. Or social pleasantries, for that matter. “Bye,” she said, finally, the awkwardness itching under her skin.

“Have a good day, Louise,” Elena said warmly.

Louise walked into the restaurant, washing her hands and slipping behind the grill with her dad. He didn’t ask questions, and she had never been more grateful. Being at the grill was one of the real ways she connected with him—when she was a kid she used to complain all the time about bussing tables and washing dishes.

But making the burger of the day with her dad? That was an entirely different. They spoke the same language; terse, simple words to communicate the path between counter and grill, which spaces to use, what they were doing or moving. Today was goat cheese with herbs and spices, a dash of salt and pepper and lemon zest. When Louise could focus on filling orders, nothing more, nothing less, the rest of her problems melted away. For a brief moment, she even forgot about the baby. It had been two and a half months since she’d slept with Logan, and time and time again she found herself _wanting_ to regret what happened. But she couldn’t. Not quite.

It was so much easier to hate him. And she stubbornly clung to the idea that she did. Hate was concrete, rather than the tangle of emotions that knotted up in her lower belly.

“Louise!” Her mom sung across the window that separated the front from the back.

“What?” She snapped.

“Can you wipe down the front counter, please?”

“You really can’t do that yourself?”

“Uh, no. I’m, uh, busy with Teddy over here.”

“Oh, don’t worry about me Linda, I’m—“ There was a clattering of a dish and Teddy fell silent.

“Ugh, fine.” Louise grabbed a rag from a bucket, and started wiping down tables and counters, humming to herself in that way she did whenever she was especially pissed off. She didn’t see him coming, didn’t even think twice when the bell above the door rang.

“Hey, Four Ears.”

She left the rag where it was, and whirled around to face him. How could he even show up here, after this morning? Though they didn’t have sex this time, somehow there had been more intimacy, a closeness that made her feel raw. Why was he here? What could he possibly say to her?

“Logan,” she said pointedly. He hovered in the doorway. “What do you want?”

She noticed that the rest of the restaurant was silent; that her parents and Teddy were staring at her, waiting. Her skin crawled. “Let’s go outside.”

He followed her, surprisingly with no argument. She couldn’t trust him or whatever he was plotting by showing up here, and her palms began to sweat. As soon as the door banged shut behind them, she forced herself to look into his eyes.

“I want you, Louise.”

“I’m not fucking you in the alley.”

“No, not like that. I mean, uh, I don’t mind fucking you—“

“Don’t mind?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“Louise, don’t start. Not now. Please.”

“Fine.”

“Anyway.” He shifted his weight from foot to foot. “I want to know you. As a person. And I want…” He paused and licked his lips. Louise noticed they were chapped, and she had a yearning to pull him close and kiss him. “I want to be with you. I want to be yours.”

Louise leaned up against the wall, her heart pounding. Hadn’t she longed to hear those words, in a secret part of her that she hid, even from herself? Her first instinct was to run away, but she realized she had nowhere to go. The restaurant was not an option, not with her mom’s questions, and her inability to approach her dad. She couldn’t exactly run away to Logan like she had been doing, when he was the reason she wanted to flee to begin with. The pause seemed like forever, and she knew she had a choice to make. A choice that, if she listened to her heart (ugh, gross) she had already made. In that instant, she realized that she was tired. Tired of the fight inside her, tired of fighting him.

She took a breath, and pressed herself against him, inhaling his scent, the citrus soap that lingered on his skin. When she spoke, she told the truth. “I want you, too.”

She had never had a sweeter kiss.

* * *

 

When she came back into the restaurant, her hand hesitantly in his, she could feel the questions ready to boil over. She broke contact with him. “I better get back to the grill.”

Logan sat at the counter, next to Teddy. “Can I get a burger of the day?”

“Yeah, sure.” She got to the grill, where her dad was throwing some fries into the fryer. Instantly, her spine stiffened.

“Dad…” She started, unsure of how to finish her sentence. It sounded like a plea more than anything.

“It’s okay, Louise.”

She felt nine years old again when she looked into his eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He reached for a cutting board. “Onions?”

“Got it.”

And so they returned to their rhythm, like nothing had happened, though Louise’s mind was racing. Would her dad be so accepting if he knew the full truth?

“Order’s up.” She was about to slide the burger through the window when her dad nudged her.

“You can bring it out to him.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Uh, okay.” Louise grabbed the plate and headed out of the kitchen, placing it in front of Logan.

He looked up at her and smiled. “Thanks.”

She felt her heart flip over in her chest at his gaze, and tried to ignore the sensation. “No problem.”

A burger slid through the window. Louise leaned on the counter. “Who’s order?”

“Yours,” Bob answered. “Go eat lunch and take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“Seriously?” She realized she shouldn’t be questioning him, therefore giving him room to reconsider. But to be let off? On a Saturday?

“I’m gonna regret it later, but yes. Hang up your apron.”

She did as she was told, and settled down next to Logan. She hadn’t realized she was ravenous until that moment, tearing into her burger. When she put it down, she felt Logan reaching for her hand, his fingertips lingering on her upturned palm. The gesture made something shift inside her, and she bit her lip.

“I don’t know,” she whispered, hanging her head.

“Don’t know what, Louise?”

She pulled her hand away. “How to be with you.”

He paused for a minute, confusion crossing his features. “I don’t understand.”

She knit her hands together. “I’m not good at this, Logan. You’re so dense sometimes.”

“I’m not a mind reader, Louise. Can we quit with the insulting for a minute and talk about this?”

“Fine.”

“I’m still not getting you. Good at what?”

She sighed. She didn’t want to admit this, not when she didn’t know his past, didn’t know anything about the mystery blonde girl, this former fiancée of his. “At dating someone, okay?” She pushed away the remains of her burger, no longer hungry. “I only ever dated Regular-Sized Rudy. And it was…” She waved her hand. “Whatever.”

“Louise.”

“What?”

“Look at me.”

She forced herself to look into his eyes. “Okay,” she whispered.

“We’ll take it slow. Like today. Just go somewhere. No pressure. Just a good time.”

“Where are we going?”

“Surprise.”

She shook her head. “No surprise.”

“Not ever?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I mean, sometimes. But I’ve had enough surprises for a while.”

“Touche.”

“Question still stands.”

“I thought we’d go to Wonder Wharf.”

She shot him a cynical look. “Really?”

“Something wrong with Wonder Wharf?”

“No.” She still remembered those days she spent when she was younger, hunting for change for fudge. Not that he’d ever understand that. “Just wasn’t expecting that from you.”

He bristled. “Hell’s that supposed to mean?”

Louise bit the inside of her cheek. She wanted to ask him about the girl. She’d bet a million bucks he’d taken her to fancy places out of town. There was a stronger part of her, though, that didn’t want to screw this up. Whatever “this” was, or could be.

“Nothing,” she said innocently. “I like Wonder Wharf.”

He smiled, and she felt a spike of warmth in the pit of her stomach.

“Wonder Wharf it is, then. Ready?” He held out his hand to her, and, with hesitation, she took it.

It felt strange, foreign, to be walking down the street with Logan, his hand interlocked with hers. Louise felt as though she were under a microscope, every passerby was surely staring. She licked her lips, uncertain of what to say. This felt too new, too raw. Logan steered her towards a sad blue building.

“The aquarium?” She asked with surprise.

“Yeah.” He squeezed her hand. “I wanted to pet the sharks.”

“ _You_ wanted to pet the sharks?”  

“Don’t sound so incredulous.”

She rolled her eyes. “Big words you’ve got going there.”

He let go of her hand and pushed open the door to the aquarium. “I did go to college.”

The cool air kissed Louise’s skin as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. The petting pool was right where it was when she was a kid.

“Hey, Judy.”

“Good to see you again, Louise.” Judy had married the IRS guy, and had a small jewelry business going online, which had allowed the aquarium to stay open.

Louise beelined for the nurse shark pool, and Logan followed. They sat on the edge and Louise slipped her fingers into the water.

“What’d you study?” She asked.

“Huh?”

“What’d you study? In college.”

“Oh, my parents wanted me to study economics and business, but I took a few minors in what I wanted. Biology and Literature.”

Louise stroked the top of a nurse shark, the fuzzy skin somehow calming her. “Lit? Really?”

“Yeah. I love all kinds. Especially Shakespeare.”

Louise couldn’t help but laugh. She couldn’t imagine Logan, the obnoxious kid she’d loathed, reading 16th century literature and enjoying it.

“Oh.” Logan pulled his hand back.

“What?”

“I touched the shark. It felt weird.”

She found herself giggling—when did that ever happen—and leaning over, close to him. It wasn’t impulsive, like all the other time she’d kissed him. Far more hesitant, and brief, and she pulled away flushed. Her head was swimming, she had never voiced her affections so publicly before, even if she still couldn’t quite figure out what they were.

He smiled. “Hey.”

“Hey,” she echoed.

A shark swam up and brushed against her fingertips. She stroked it absentmindedly. “This is nice,” she said softly.

“Yeah. I like it. I like kissing you.”

She wanted to say so much, the words and thoughts colliding with each other and getting stuck in her throat. Instead, she kissed him, and let the rest of the world fade away along with her words.

* * *

 

Logan dropped her off at the clinic after her repeated assurance that it wasn’t a medical appointment, that she just wanted to speak with Elena.

Louise entered the clinic with trepidation; it was far busier on a Saturday than it had been on the weekdays that she’d seen Elena. She walked up to the bored, gum chewing receptionist.

“I’m here to see Elena? At three-thirty?”

“Fine. I’ll page her for you. Take a seat.”

Louise took a seat in the far corner of the waiting room, bristling. She was far too close to other humans. Instinctively, she crossed her legs and pulled her arm over her stomach. She didn’t want anyone to know that she was here, or why.

Her glance wandered to the painting on the opposite walls, one of those generic watercolors of geese flying over a sunset. It had that poem on it, that one about how if you loved someone you should leave them, and if they loved you, they would come back to you. What horseshit.

The door to the clinic opened, and the breeze made Louise shiver.

Then the voice, the nasally, annoying voice, broke through, and Louise’s heart sunk to her toes.

“Louise?”

She looked up, and found herself face to face with Tammy.


	17. I Thought You'd Never Ask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She seriously considered ripping out Tammy's highlights by the roots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I start every chapter apologizing for being a garbage human for not updating. I would also like to thank y'all for all the lovely comments; I do read and appreciate each one I just have bad executive functioning so it takes me forever and a day to personally thank each one of you like I want to. I appreciate every one of you who have stuck with this story over the time I've been writing it, and it's been a joy to watch Louise and Logan evolve over this time. I love them so much. <3

Louise wished she could wipe the grin off of Tammy’s face as the blonde stared her up and down. Unlike her sister, Louise wasn’t intimidated by Tammy. 

“Are you here to treat your raging case of syphilis again, Tammy? Maybe you should stay away from the skanky boys at the skate park and get a little dignity.” 

“Shut up,” she snapped. “I’m not the one who should be keeping my knees closed.” 

A cold shiver ran down Louise’s spine. “I’m fine,” she spat. 

“I mean,” Tammy inspected her bright pink manicure. “On one hand, it’s almost….admirable. Landing the richest guy in town, besides that nasty Fishoeder guy. But then why are you here at the clinic? Make a mistake you can’t undo?” 

Louise curled her hands into fists. It took every inch of her self control not to punch Tammy in her kohl-lined eye. “Maybe you need to get a life instead of sticking your nose into shit you don’t need to be involved in, Tammy.” 

She shrugged her shoulders. “Not my fault that people can’t keep their mouths shut. And maybe you should be asking yourself why Logan hasn’t dated anyone since the disaster with his ex-fiancee. Who’s fault that scandal really was. Or why a twenty-five year old successful guy is into a nobody who waits tables at a shitty burger place.” 

Louise could take plenty of insults. But she was 100% done with the restaurant being considered the joke of the town, of her family being seen as lesser. She lunged for the older girl. “I’ll rip out your damn highlights by the roots,” she hissed, but much to surprise, Tammy deflected her attempt to tackle her with speed and dexterity. 

She wore a mocking smile. “Be careful, Louise. Those pregnancy hormones sure do make people volatile.” 

“If you don’t get out of my vicinity in the next thirty seconds, I will end you.” 

Tammy yawned. “This is getting boring anyway. I’m just going to drop off my pamphlets about how abortion is for whores who need to find Jesus, and go on my way.” Tammy pulled some shiny pamphlets out of her purse, leaving them on the waiting room end tables, and quickly departed. 

Louise’s blood pounded in her ears. She wasn’t sure who she wanted destroy first--Tammy, for nosing into her secret? Logan, for hiding whatever the hell went on in his past? Or herself, for being stupid enough to get into this mess to begin with? 

Louise started with the pamphlets, gathering them up and ripping them to pieces. The tearing felt good, the destruction she wanted to take out on the rest of the world. The door to the clinic proper opened, and Elena stood in the doorway. 

“Louise?”

Louise threw the bits of ruined paper into the trash can with extra force. “Yeah?”

“Come on back.” 

Louise forced herself to take a few deep breaths as Elena lead her past the medical rooms to a small office in the back. There was a large desk in the center of the room; behind it was a series of bookshelves with medical texts. In the corner, next to a lamp, an upholstered armchair that Louise curled up in, legs dangling over the armrest. 

Elena pulled up a straight backed wooden desk chair across from Louise. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you, Louise.” 

Louise couldn’t look her in the eye, instead she focused on Elena’s hands, which were smooth and pretty, with long fingers and nails polished a peachy color that glowed against her darker skin. And, of course, the ring, the engagement ring that glinted in the light. 

“I don’t know where to start,” she admitted. “With everything. With how to feel about…” Louise looked down at her belly, where she hadn’t started to show yet, but she knew she would soon. “This...this baby. I don’t know. And Logan.” She found that her eyes were pricking with tears. Logan was being kind to her. Why, after years of their mutual hatred, he had come to care for her. 

“Let’s take this one at a time, okay? I can tell you I managed to get into contact with the social worker, and she’ll call you this week to set up a meeting to talk about adoption.” 

Louise nodded. “That’s...good.” She knew she didn’t have the ability to care for this child. There was no way. “Can I just...talk? I have so many things I want to ask and say and I don’t know how or who to talk to. I just need someone who doesn’t really know me, you know? Like I can’t go to my mom about this.”

Elena nodded. “I understand. And I’m here to listen without judgment, answer any question you may have, and be your guide throughout this process. You have a support system all around you. I’m here. The social worker will be here. And when you’re ready to let others in, they’ll be there for you, too.” 

Louise curled up into herself, hugging her knees to her chest. “I don’t know how to feel about this baby. My body isn’t my own anymore. And it’s...it’s not going to be mine. This baby, I don’t feel any affection to it. Does that make me a bad person? Aren’t you supposed to be happy about all of this, and love the baby, and want to do everything for it?” 

“You don’t have to. And it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s a difficult position to be in--you didn’t walk into this wanting a baby. You’re nineteen, your life hasn’t begun yet. It’s overwhelming, isn’t it?” 

There was a lump in Louise’s throat. “It is. I want to go to culinary school. I want to take over the restaurant one day. Other than that, I don’t know what I want. But babies was not part of the plan. Not at all.” 

“Was Logan?” 

The question startled Louise. Had you asked her, ten years ago, if Logan would ever be an important part of her life, she would have laughed her ass off at such a ridiculous concept. But now? She thought of the warmth of him, the steadiness. Of his arms around her, as she breathed in his scent. Falling asleep in his bed. The way she caught him looking at her, with tenderness. She didn’t dare think of his kisses. 

“No,” she answered, finally. “I wasn’t even expecting to see him that night. I sometimes go to that bar with my friends. I have a fake. But Jess was busy, so I just decided to go and well, the tequila started flowing. I thought I was gonna torment him again. Told him I could drink him under the table. Till I ended up under the table--the bastard--and he walked me to Pancho’s to sober up and get tacos. And I was eating tacos and looking at him. You know that voice in your head that tells you to do crazy things, like jump off the edge of a cliff or something? That voice told me to kiss him.”

“And he kissed you back.”

“Yeah,” Louise said. “He kissed me back. It felt...it felt right. I’ve kissed people before. Regular-sized Rudy. One time I kissed Jessica. Well, more than one time. They were good kisses, I guess. But when Logan and I kissed, I felt….I felt like everything fell into place.” 

Elena smiled. “It’s a magical feeling, isn;t it?” 

“I told myself it was just the tequila. But I’ve kissed him sober….and I still feel the same way. Do you believe that you can find someone like that, that you can really love?”

“Yes, I do. And I believe there are many different kinds of love that can tether us to this Earth. Friendship love. Family love. Romantic love. That a partner you want to be with can be your friend, your confidante, as well as someone who sticks your feet to the floor when they kiss you.” 

“I don’t confide in anyone. This is the most I’ve ever shared my thoughts with anyone.” 

“What if you did?” Elena’s brown eyes were full of intensity. “What would you have to lose, if you told him how you feel?” 

“I don’t know.” She didn’t want to admit to the fear that snaked in the pit of her stomach. “If I’m scared, does that mean I have something to lose?”

“It can be. The important part is not to let the fear consume you. There’s a healthy amount of fear when you find something or someone truly worth it. That’s natural.” 

Louise nodded. 

Elena checked her watch. “I have a patient in a few minutes, so I’m going to have to end this conversation here. But I’m glad you came and talked to me today. I’d also like to schedule you for an ultrasound next week, just check and make sure everything is healthy with the baby. You can bring Logan if you’d like.” 

“I think he’d want to.” 

“Okay. How’s next Monday sound, around 10 am?” 

“Yeah, that’d be good, before the restaurant opens.” Louise untangled herself from the chair. “And thanks. For talking with me.”

“You’re very welcome, Louise. Can I hug you?”

Slowly, Louise nodded, and allowed herself to be hugged. It felt comforting, and Elena’s light floral perfume, orange blossoms, enveloped her. 

“I’ll see you Monday.” 

Louise broke contact. “See you Monday.” 

As she left the clinic, she pulled out her phone and texted Logan a short message: “Restaurant. After close. Be there.” 

* * *

 

“I’ll stay and finish closing,” Louise said to her dad, who was scraping the grill. 

“Sure,” he replied shrugging his shoulders. He finished the last scraping, and pressed a quick kiss to her temple. “You’re a good kid, Louise.”

“Ew, gross, get it off,” she said, but she was smiling. “Go be weird with Mom or whatever.” 

“Yeah.” Bob departed, and Louise was left alone in the restaurant. 

She had just put away the mop when the bell rang at the door. Logan entered the restaurant, a wool beanie pulled low over his head, small tufts of blonde hair sticking out. Louise couldn’t help but think how attractive he looked. 

He leaned in, and pressed a brief kiss to her lips that left her wanting more. “Why’d you want to meet here?” 

“You said you wanted me to teach you how to make a burger.” She beckoned him into the kitchen.

“Really? I thought you didn’t want to teach me.”

She shrugged her shoulders, and put her hands on her hips. “Look, do you want to make a burger or not?” 

He wrapped an arm around her waist, and pulled her close. “I do,” he said, looking down at her. “But I want to kiss my girlfriend first.” 

“Oh-okay.” 

She was breathless as he kissed her, slowly at first, then in more intensity as she responded, standing on the tips of her toes to meet him. He moved his mouth from hers to her jaw, pressing kisses along until he reached her neck, nipping her earlobe with his teeth. She gasped, and he picked her up, pressing her up against the doorframe as she wrapped her legs around him. He pushed down the edge of her t-shirt, reaching her shoulder, pressing kisses against the exposed skin. 

“God, you’re beautiful,” he murmured, his mouth tracing along her collarbone. 

The desire rose up in her, sharp and strong and hot, and her mouth found his neck. She licked him lightly, and he shivered. “Do that again,” he said, the words catching in his throat. 

She did, and he kissed her fiercely, his hands bunching the fabric of her shirt, letting go and wandering underneath. Everywhere he touched her pushed her further towards wanting, towards more. As he brushed against her bra she arched her back. “God damn it.” 

“What?” He said between kisses, his mouth on her shoulder. 

She briefly thought of what she had talked about today, how she had opened herself up. How there was a part of her that wanted to open herself up to him. “I’ve never had someone make me feel this way before.” 

He gave her a sly grin. “Glad to be of service.” His hands were at her waist, and she moved them lower. 

“Booth. Now.” 

* * *

 

She was straddling him, hair a mess. His hat had gone missing somehow in the process, and she put her jeans back on with great reluctance. She leaned down and pressed her lips to his. “Burgers?” She asked, when they came up for air. 

“I thought you’d never ask.” 


	18. Under the Influence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her first instinct was to run, and she found herself obeying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! I'm really trying to get more regular with updating as my life comes together, slowly. I also really want to set aside a day where I can individually reply to all of your lovely comments because they mean so much to me! I'm so grateful for every single one of them, my executive functioning/depression is just bad sometimes.   
> Also, I'm really into music, and I've found a song that perfectly fits Louise and Logan in this fic: Under the Influence by Elle King. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Louise couldn’t sleep. Next to her, tangled in the sheets, Logan snored a little and Louise stared at him, the moonlight illuminating his form in the darkened room. He was shirtless, in a pair of sweatpants, waistband slung low on his hips, inviting her to touch. She thought of the past hour, where she had been on top of him, his touch leaving her hungry and desirous and wanting, always wanting. But what did it mean? 

He was her boyfriend now, but he would never have been if she hadn’t been so careless that night. Louise wasn’t the type to daydream, to wonder about her own love story, her fairytale. In all honesty, she never thought she would find it. Never thought anyone would love her, not in the way she wanted, the back and forth, give and take of partnership. 

Regular-Sized Rudy had been sweet, in high school. After all, he had been her first kiss, all the way back in grade school, and Jess said he’d carried a torch for her ever since. Honestly, she had known the entire time. Rudy wasn’t exactly great at subtly, but could you ever be when your breathing gave you away every time? And someone had to make sure he didn’t keel over in an instant. 

Rudy had been her date to prom, the boy who paid for her milkshakes and flowers, who watched movies with on Saturday nights. He was quiet. Safe. Steady, ebbing and flowing like the constant tide. She should want him. Her family loved Rudy. And yet, she never let it get past kissing with him. The only way she could describe his kisses were “nice”. Nice, with the taste of inhaler in the back of her throat. His hands had felt heavy on her, stifling. She could see her whole life play out with Rudy, and she didn’t want it. On graduation day, she had dumped him, and, like a coward, ran from his pain. She didn’t want to face what she had thrown away. 

Jessica was fun. Louise hadn’t kissed a girl before, though she’d thought about it a time or two, during solo sessions. Jessica tasted of berry lip gloss and her fiery hair had gotten tangled in Louise’s hands as they made out in the back of her car. But when it came time for more, Louise had balked. Made excuses. Backed out. Don’t take it personal. Just the way she was, tough and not taking shit. Sure as hell not falling in love. 

She didn’t buy into that crap about virginity. About saving yourself for someone special, or for marriage, or whatever. She had grown up, and had skipped the awkward phase that plagued Tina’s teen years. Louise knew she was hot. She could have had sex with whoever she wanted. And fuck it, nobody was good enough for her, anyway. She was better than any of them. 

Logan had broken down her defenses that night, and not because of the tequila. But because he walked her to get tacos to sober up. That he cared to see her home safely. Sure, Rudy would have done the same. But Logan, the guy she had spent her childhood hating, and the feeling had been mutual...why had he shown her compassion? 

When he kissed her, tasting of hot sauce, it had felt right. She hadn’t known that kissing could be felt all the way to her toes, that one look left her trembling in his presence. 

And she’d been running from him ever since. Logan had been so good to her when he had absolutely every reason not to be. Respecting her decisions. Accompanying her to doctor’s appointments. Wanting to know her. Taking her to pet the sharks, for god’s sake. He was mysterious, and she didn’t understand him. But she wanted to. 

With a thump, Louise realized that she didn’t know what love looked like. Sure, her parents loved each other, they had a great marriage--not one that she wanted to examine too closely because ew, gross, they were her  _ parents _ . Her family aside, she had no idea what love was. She supposed that’s why she reached out to Elena to begin with, and the seed was in the back of her head. What she had been told made sense. And she didn’t like it. Not one bit. 

She was struck by the immediacy of Logan, of his warmth, of everything he was and could be, of this small life she had intertwined with him. She looked down at her belly, which had started to swell just the smallest bit. She didn’t believe in fate or soulmates or even a God, not really. Yet this tiny clump cells tied her to him, for better or for worse. 

She swung her legs over the bed. She couldn’t stay. The urge to run was far too strong, and even then, running back to her own room didn’t quell it. She wanted another chance. Another life. But would she make the same mistakes, with a different person?

Logan opened his eyes, and his fingertips made contact with her back. Even the small touch was electric. 

“Where ya goin?” He murmured sleepily. 

“Uh, nowhere,” Louise said. 

He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. “Stay,” he whispered into her hair, and she relented. 

“All right,” she said. “I’ll stay.” She didn’t know what she was promising, but it felt like one anyway. 

* * *

“Your pupils are dilating.” Logan said to her over lunch at the restaurant, on one of her breaks.

“What?” Louise put down her burger. 

“You’ve been staring at me when you think I’m not looking, and your pupils dilate when you see me.” 

“That’s bullshit.” She crossed her arms over her chest. 

“You know what it means when your pupils dilate like that?” 

“Like I care.” She rolled her eyes. “And I wasn’t staring at you.” 

“Humans’ eyes dilate when they see something that excites them, particularly someone they love. You love me,” he said with a grin, his tone light and teasing. 

Louise darted out of the booth. 

“Louise? What’s wrong?” 

“Leave me alone!” She stamped across the restaurant, and Bob raised his eyebrows at her. 

“I said you could take a lunch break, Louise, not clear out of the restaurant.”

“Consider it a sabbatical!” She snapped back, halfway out the door. 

“You already took one of those!” 

The slam of the door drowned out her reply. Logan turned to Bob, who was shaking his head. 

“What did I do wrong?” He felt a little weird asking Bob about his daughter, especially when he wasn’t sure if the patriarch of the Belchers actually liked him. 

Bob shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever it is, you better fix it.” 

Logan narrowed his eyes. “Better fix it?” The older, balding man was not one Logan thought would ever make veiled threats. 

“Look.” Suddenly the spatula in Bob’s hand looked more threatening than a piece of harmless kitchen equipment. “I only put up with you years ago for one reason, and one reason only. Now that you’re back in my daughter’s life...I don’t understand what’s going on between the two of you, but I’m not going to watch her break because of you. Got it?” 

Logan nodded, a lump in his throat. Bob still didn’t know about the baby, but he’d have to know, and soon. Louise was starting to show ever so slightly, and Logan was not looking forward to that conversation. 

“Go after her.” Bob pointed at the door with his spatula. “And remember: I’m fat and out of shape, but I won’t hesitate to take you down.”

“Understood and noted,” Logan said, as he ran out the door to reach the bunny ears disappearing on the horizon. 

* * *

 

Louise wasn’t even sure if Regular-Sized Rudy was still in town. They hadn’t talked much after graduation, and honestly, Louise didn’t blame him. Maybe she’d been a tad harsh with one of her oldest friend, and former boyfriend, over the break-up. 

It felt good to run, cathartic somehow. But she could feel the extra weight around her middle, the weight of the clump of cells that was forming into a baby. She skidded to a stop in front of Rudy’s old house, and rang the bell. Mr. Steiblitz answered the door. 

“Oh, Louise, it’s you! We haven’t heard from you in a very long time,” he said, with all the cluelessness of an adult nowhere near involved in their child’s life. 

“Yeah, yeah.” She waved her hand dismissively. “I, uh, got busy. Is Rudy around?” 

“Actually, yes. It’s break, so he’s home for the summer. I’ll call him down.” 

“Great. Don’t tell him it’s me.”

“What?”

“It’s uh, a surprise.”

“Oh, all right.” He disappeared, and Louise rocked on her heels. She could hear the distinct sound of Rudy’s wheezing, and the inhaler as he sucked in a breath of the medicine. Rudy stopped at the foot of the stairs, eyes widened. 

“Louise?” He turned to his dad. “Leave us alone, okay, Dad?” 

“Sure thing.” Mr. Steiblitz walked away, and Louise found herself crossing her arms over her belly. She knew she was barely showing, but she couldn’t help it. 

“What are you doing here?” There was a bitter tone to his words, and Louise winced. He hadn’t deserved the treatment she had given him, and what was on her mind now wasn’t great, either. 

“I just, um, wanted to see you.”

“After you told me you didn’t want to see me ever again? That we were going in different directions?” Yeah, definitely bitterness, and a touch of anger. 

“We have been,” Louise said, unable to meet his eyes. “You’re in college, Rudy, lots of girls better than me.”

“You don’t understand, Louise. I didn’t want any other girls. I wanted you. I loved you, I wanted to--”

She cut him off, pressing her lips to his. She had intended this from the beginning, when she went looking for him. She had to kiss him, and know if she was making the right choice. If her instinct was in the right place, or if she had been running away from Rudy for an entirely different reason. The fear that gnawed in her chest, that ate away at everything she dared hold dear. 

He responded to the kiss, entangling his hands in her hair. It was safe, kissing Rudy. Familiar. Reminded her of stolen moments when they were younger, and good nights in the backseat of his car. He broke them apart, coughing and reaching for his inhaler. 

“See?” He said when he finished administering the medicine. “You still take my breath away.” 

Louise felt a prickle at the back of her neck. This wasn’t right. She couldn’t open up the doors to her heart that she had shut for a reason. She didn’t want the quiet life with Rudy that he’d provide. She yearned for more. 

“I have to go.”

“What? No.” 

She took off running, knowing that he couldn’t follow her. Rudy stood on his front porch, calling after her. 

“Fine, Louise! Run! You always run from everything and everyone, and you’ll find that there’ll be no one left when you stop!” 

She didn’t stop, fearing that he was, in fact, correct. 


	19. By the Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wished she wasn't predictable, but she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves! 
> 
> I'm trying to get better at writing quicker, I just have found that it's harder than I initially thought. I hope you enjoy this chapter. <3

Louise, despite claiming that she was anything but predictable, was in fact, predictable. It something she hated about herself, that there were only a few haunts in this shitty town that were hers, and hers alone. So if someone was looking for her, she’d be found. These rocks by the shore was one of those places, and Logan had found her here before. 

She loved staring out into the ocean, dreaming that one day she’d vanish beyond the horizon, beyond the world she’d always known. But she never could. The restaurant tied her to this town, and so did her family. Seymour’s Bay was too small for someone like Louise, but it was the only place she could be. 

She heard Logan scrambling across the rocks before he announced his presence. “Hey.”

She kept her focus on the distance. “Hey.”

“Can we talk, or are you going to run again?” 

“I guess.” She drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. 

He settled on the rock next to her, their hips touching. Louise resisted the urge to scoot away from any contact. 

“Can I start with a question?”

“Sure. I guess.” She shrugged her shoulders. 

“Why are you skittish?”

She could feel his eyes on her, but she kept her gaze fixed on the ocean. “I don’t know.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really!” She snapped. “I don’t know, okay? I keep running, but I don’t know why!” 

“It seems like every time we get close, you pull back. Do you not want this?” 

“Define ‘this’”.

“Us, Louise. You and me. A relationship.” 

“The only reason we’re here is because of this baby.” 

He pulled away a little. “Is that the only reason you’re here? Because I can tell you it’s not the reason I’m sticking around. I care about you, Louise. You made a decision about the baby that I respect, and, frankly, agree with. Neither of us are ready to raise a kid. I’m not sticking around because you’re pregnant. I’m sticking around because I love you.”

Logan’s words hit her squarely in the chest, so hard that she couldn’t breathe for a moment. Rudy had told her that he loved her. She had said it back, mechanically, because she knew what she was supposed to do. But this was different. She hadn’t expected Logan’s declaration to split her open, to expose her like a raw nerve, throbbing and pulsing. Her stomach knotted, her heart beating faster. She thought, for a moment, of her conversation with Elena. Did she love Logan? What did she feel towards her former archenemy? 

“I’m scared,” she blurted out. Her lips were frozen, her hands shaking. 

“Scared of what?” 

“I don’t know,” she mumbled. 

He groaned, burying his face in his arms. “What the hell am I supposed to do?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Like every goddamn time, this happens.” Logan stood up, facing the ocean. “What the fuck?!” 

“What the hell are you talking about, Logan?” 

“I put myself out there after her, I never thought I’d find you. That I’d love you. And you run at every single opportunity. What the fuck am I supposed to do?” 

Louise stood up and faced him. “Are you going to tell me what you’re talking about, or just yell at me some more?” 

“You really don’t know?” 

“If I did, I wouldn’t be pissed, now would I?” 

“Two years ago, my fiancee left me at the altar. Ran away, skipped town, blocked my number. I never heard from her again, never knew why she did it. I later heard from her best friend that she said there was someone else. She didn’t even have the balls to tell me. It was town gossip, I would have thought you’d known.”

Two years ago, Louise had been breaking Rudy’s heart. “I guess I must have missed it.” 

“Clearly.” 

“Look, don’t be an asshole to me because your old girl ran away. Sorry I didn’t keep tabs on your life, Logan, but I was pretty convinced we were archenemies. I never thought we’d be...this.” 

“Neither did I. You came as a surprise.” 

She took a step towards him. Really, she wanted to run into his arms. She felt safe close to him, she felt...loved. He loved her, he had said as much. Why couldn’t she say it back, when she felt that thrill in the pit of her stomach in his presence, felt her heart turn over. Her walls were strong, and he was invading her defenses, had already pierced her heart. The war had been lost. So why was she still fighting? 

“I love you,” she said. She was shaking all over, nerves probably, He pulled her into his embrace, kissing the top of her head. 

“God you’re short,” he said affectionately. 

She punched him on the arm. “I just bared my goddamn heart to you, you loser, and you just insult my height?” 

“I love you, too, Louise.” 

“What the hell do I do now?” 

“Take a breath,” he said. “And just be with me. Right here, in this moment.”

She took a breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Took in the scent of the ocean, salt and brine, the humidity that coated everything. Leaned up against Logan, hearing his heart beat, steady and strong. She felt a familiar desire as his hands wrapped around her waist, drawing her into him, a burn that started in the pit of her stomach and made its way outward through her body, from the tips of her fingers, which she curled around the fabric of his shirt. 

“Kiss me,” she said, looking up at him. 

When he leaned in, she responded eagerly, the kiss reaching all the way down to the tips of her toes. She knew, in that instant, that there was no comparison. Rudy’s kiss had been nothing compared to how her heart swelled and soared with Logan, how she never wanted the kiss to end. As the tides began to rush in she stayed still, taking in every second with Logan, at the kiss that seared the edges of her soul. She had let him, and now, there was no letting go. She was his, and he was hers. How could she have ever thought otherwise?

As they parted for air, he reached over and tucked a piece of stray dark hair behind her ear. 

“Thank you,” Louise said, the words surprising her in their intensity. 

“For what?”

“For not giving up on me,” she answered, snuggling back against him. 

He squeezed her hand that was intertwined with his. “I promise you, Louise Belcher, that I will never give up on you.” 

And for the first time in her nineteen years, she put her full trust into another person, giving her heart over to his promise. 

* * *

 

“So, there are two kinds of adoption options available to you.” The social worker, a red-head named Sadie, handed Louise a piece of paper with her perfectly manicured nails. “There’s an open adoption, and a closed one. Nowadays, most people opt for the open adoption.”

“What’s the difference?” Louise asked, staring at the paper. She didn’t speak Legal, and this whole thing seemed to be way too overwhelming. 

“An open adoption means that you have the option of remaining in contact with the child and the adoptive family. In a closed adoption, your child won’t find out your identity until they turn eighteen, the records get sealed.”

Louise took in Sadie’s words, and found herself looking down at her stomach, which had started to swell the tiniest bit. Did she want to know this baby, beyond just carrying him or her? Or did she want to move on with her life, forget this ever happened? It would be hard to do that, if she stayed with Logan? He reached over and squeezed her hand. “What do you think?” He asked. 

“I don’t know.” Louise broke contact with him, pushing away the paper, suddenly dizzy. “This is a lot.” 

“Could you give us a minute?” Logan asked Sadie. 

“Of course.” The social worker stepped outside her office for a moment, and Logan reached for Louise’s hand again. 

“Tell me what’s going on, Louise.”

“I don’t know,” she repeated. “There’s just...a lot to think about. I don’t know how I feel about the baby, let alone if I want to talk to them later on. Maybe they’d be better off not knowing about me.”

“Why would you say that?”

She wrenched her hand away from his again, crossing her arms over her chest. “Cause I’m a screw-up, Logan! I never went to college, I’m nineteen and pregnant, and I am going to inherit some crappy burger joint. What kid wants me for a mom?”

“You’d be an incredible Mom,” Logan said. 

“Bullshit,” Louise spat. 

“I mean it. You care. You pretend you don’t, but if you ever decided to have kids, I know you’d love them fiercely and protect them with everything you had. That would make a great mom. Not all have the ability to do that.” Logan looked away, his usually light eyes darkened. 

“Cynthia?” Louise raised an eyebrow. 

“Let’s not go there.”

“Fine, but I mean, she’s a bitch, just saying.”

“Louise,” he said in a warning tone. “Let’s not right now, okay?” 

“Fine,” she snapped, glad for a reason to be pissed again. This decision felt like too much for her. 

“What do you want to do, Louise?”

“I. Don’t. Know.” She said through gritted teeth. “Leave me alone.” 

“We have to tell her something.” Logan looked anxiously at the hallway, where a flash of Sadie’s red hair was visible through the open door. 

“Fucking whatever.” Louise crossed her arms over her chest. 

Logan sighed, got up, and went into the hallway. When he emerged with Sadie a few moments later, the social worker held a stack of paperwork. 

“Here’s the paperwork for the open adoption. Logan told me that’s what you agreed on.”

Louise shot a look at Logan, one that could have dismembered him. She felt strange, as though she was standing outside of her body, watching herself sign the papers, thank Sadie, and walk out of the room. She saw Logan reach for her hand, watched herself pull away. Then suddenly, abruptly, she slammed back into her body as she got into Logan’s car. 

“What the fuck was that?” She spat. 

“What?”

“An open adoption? You just made the decision for me.”

“Because you didn’t want to make it! Tell me what I was supposed to do in that moment, Louise.” 

“Maybe I don’t want one. Maybe I want to pretend this never happened.”

She saw the hurt flash across his face, and felt a pang in her chest. “Logan, I’m--” She tried to find the words; apologies were not something that came easily to her. 

She could see the tension in his hands as he gripped the steering wheel. “Forget about it. You were just being honest, right?” 

“Logan, that’s not what I meant.” She could hear the pleading in her voice, the dread settling into her body. 

“You’ve made it plenty clear that’s how you feel.” They pulled up in front of the restaurant and he stopped so quickly she felt nauseous. 

“Please, don’t be this way.”

“Call me when you have your next appointment.” His voice was cold, mechanical. 

Louise paused, her hand on the car door handle. “Not before?”

“I’ll see you later.” He didn’t meet her eyes, and Louise stepped out on the curb. She wasn’t one 

to concede to a fight, and she realized that she wanted to fight for him. That she wanted him. Lump her throat, she watched him drive away, the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. She’d fix this. She had to. 


End file.
